Thinking Of You

Resurgence

And there, in the middle of the day, it is.  You, quiet and strong, with your breaks and bruises.  Your posture, the way you look at me, with a bit of a smirk, as if you know.  As if one of us just said out loud 'Jesus, do you feel that magnetic pull?'  The way you hug me goodbye, as if you already own me.  As if you can't wait to put the bait out in front of me.  A steak for a starving Lioness.  That's the mutual chemistry that I live for.  And of course, you are off limits.  Of course!  But it's good to know I can still feel something so strong.  Really good to know, because I've thought at times, that maybe, after all the loss, I had lost the ability to feel.

Going Back For Her

photo courtesy of www.deviantart.com is called Broken Window

The story that you told me about the girl you loved, that you went to go get her again, was so sad and so frightening.  It has stayed with me for all these days.  You said that when you went back for her, that it was too late; the guy that she had been with after you, had broken her.  She was no longer the same.

It reminded me that our sanity is more fragile than we think. 

Bad Dream

I had a dream last night that all of the men that ever had unrequited love for me, were now coming after me to kill me.  I saw them all yelling and their sweet, doe-eyed faces, now angry and intolerant.  I was walking backwards away from them, then I turned and ran.

Mine

You can go fuck a thousand women,

and they may have your ear,

but your dick will always be mine.

Bridges

He said "Kelly, you have a unique way of getting men to fall very hard for you, and then rejecting them".  I responded "That's the only wise thing you've said here". 

I said the rest of my peace, walked away, stopped and turned around, to see all of the bridges that fine men had all built to get to me, on fire.

The Addiction

photo courtesy of www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk

He said "I'm lost in the depths of the oceans of your blue eyes".   She just looked at him and thought 'You are a liar and a deceiver, but you're an addiction.  You're like a drug that I cannot get off of, and you are going to destroy me'.

Years later she would look back and say "I wish I had never met him.  But we practically grew up together, I couldn't have avoided him, if I tried".

The Nice Guy vs The Good Bad Boy

He's a Nice Guy, a sweet and gentle man.  He is handsome, with kind eyes and a passive nature.  His parents raised him to be kind and nurturing.  He is a simple man with no suprises.  What you see is what you get.  And all of the "fucked up" women around him, that he's attracted to, are not attracted to Nice Guys.  He says that he'll be alone for the rest of his life, because women say they "just want a good man", but they really don't.  He says they want to date dick heads; men with anger issues and communication problems.  And he's right for the most part, but there is another creature out there.  A man that has balance.  A man that has edge but is not an ass.  A man that I call the Good Bad Boy.  Good Bad Boy's have that style and edge, but they are still gentlemen.  However a gentleman, that is in complete control.  Just like good old Rhett Butler, they are confident, mysterious and cocky, but always ready to open doors and buy sparkly things, if... you're a good girl.

Intimacy

When you made love to me, you didn't look at me.  It was as if, I could have been anyone.  I thought we had a connection, but when you didn't look at me, I felt objectified.  I said "look at me", and later you said that no one had ever even said that to you before.  Who are these crazy women that didn't want intimacy from you?  To me, you were too wonderful not to want that.

Moving On

Because I loved you so much

I made a religion out of keeping

your memory

And so now that I know you have

moved away from any possibility of us

I no longer have to keep vigil

I no longer have to go to the church

of what we had, and what we could have had,

and light candles and pray

Now I can blow the candles out

and lock up the building

and leave it abandoned

The weeds will grow around it

and the vines will grow up the walls

The walls will mold and decay and

the roof will rot

Birds will nest in the rafters and

snakes will nest underneath of the pews

The children will ride by on their bicycles

and in time, no one will remember

what was there

Braveheart

Oh Braveheart.  We made a mess of things so quickly, like it was a race.  I, the nervous wreck around you and your crazy driving, and your unintimate love making.  You, the one telling me everything was okay, when it most certainly was not for you.  Oh my, my, my.  Now I can at least laugh about it, I hope you can too.  I did care for you so much, but what a mess we made!

Time

Time has a way of either helping or hurting, it seems.  Sometimes, time apart is good for a relationship, and sometimes, it pushes two people further away so that they don't know each other anymore, or remember how to get back to the place where they were.  Enough time apart usually, erases the old feelings that we had for someone, because when you know that someone can live for that long, without you, it's a very dismissive feeling that eventually turns into just an apathetic civility.  And apathy is the exact opposite of love, isn't it?  It's not hate, it's apathy.  When you feel nothing when you see someone, that's when you know they are out of your system forever.  When you have feelings of anger still, then there is still love there. 

Embracing Your Cougar-ness

 

Sometimes you have no other choice but to see the glass half-full.  Most men in their thirties and forties are married with children, or, as stated in my previous post, all used up with no clue.  So we women in our thirties can sometimes be left with no one to date, except the young ones.  And since having a Cougar experience is all the rage right now, I suppose we can consider this a lucky time in history that we ladies in our thirties and forties are living in.  Yes, you have to teach them how to behave, and how to have sex, which is a downer, but on the up side, they know where to go, how to dress, and most of them have the energy and stamina of race horses! 

I'm The Idiot After All

Funny how life turns on you.  Dating in your thirties can be so much fun, and then, it can be a freakin' punch in the left tit.  Of the many challenges of being an intentionally childless woman, dating my thirties, I have to say that the most frightening of all of them is not the children that everyone seems to have, it's not the bad dates, it's not the weight gain and the men's hair loss, it's wondering "where did the money go?".  From as many dates as I've been on, I can tell you from asking men, exactly where it went: it went to the ex-girlfriend/ ex-wife/ baby-momma.  It's not the goddamned economy, it's not the lack of work; it's from some Succubus that bled them dry of every dollar they ever earned and saved because she felt owed something.  Several men have told me that they didn't want to fight about things, so they just gave all of their shit to an ex-girlfriend/ wife/ baby momma, as they sit in their newly rented house with no sofa's and no bedroom furniture.  (All that stayed in the marital, or original house, of course).  Of course this isn't always the case, my very own best friend got taken to the cleaners by her man who claimed disability upon their divorce.  And not all ex-wives are greedy terrors either, however, from my experience, I'm afraid it's more the norm, than not. 

Being the girls that are dating these newly single men, in the here and now, as they are starting over we think 'awe, poor thing', and then we think 'what the hell, why would you do that to your self?!'.  This behavior may seem valiant or amicable at the time, but I can assure you, that it makes a man less marketable to the next woman they date when we see that they can be taken advantage of so easily.  We, the possible future girlfriends, that hold our own, see that we are getting the guy that now seems to be all used up.

So, let's recap, shall we?  In dating in our thirties, the other party is expecting us to half-raise children that are not of our bellies or heritage, to see the child support checks of half the income going out to women who don't need the money for half of anything, because daddy takes care of their needs when they're with him anyway. 

I like to day dream of how Baby Momma is possibly spending that "extra cash" that she gets in the mail once a week, and in that day dream, I am her, with my loving children at my feet.  Does she buy herself a little vacation with her new boyfriend while baby daddy and his new girlfriend watch the kids?  Does she go get herself a day spa treatment?  Ahhh.  Must be nice.  Bless her heart.  All for being irresponsibly fertile.  Well played! 

I used to think I was smart for getting as far as I had without going to a four-year college and getting my 'Mrs. Degree', or getting to my thirties without getting pregnant before I was ready, but now I realize:  I'M THE IDIOT.  Baby Momma made out like a band-it, with the check, and with the social sympathy of an abused puppy, while women like me are getting the financial left-over's.