I want a love like Johnny and June

Rings of fire, burning with you

I wanna walk the line, walk the line

Til the ends of time

I wanna love, love you that much

Cash it all in, give it all up

And when you're gone,

I wanna go too...

Like Johnny and June

-Heide Newfield

My Love, Like An Old Country Song

I answered my own question a long time ago.  I told you... I love like an old country song.  That means, for a very, very long time.  You, on the other hand, can turn around the next day and get your dick hard for some nasty skank and not worry about our love.  Guess it's my problem...

30 Days And Counting

Well, I guess we passed the thirty day test... Now when will this longing for wishing you were someone that you're not, go away?

I Am Strong But...

Sans Revenge

Recovering Addict

Like an alchoholic craves liquor, every single day, I have to tell myself, not to drink; not to drink him.  Do not reach out and take the glass.  I love him, but he is very, very, very bad for me.

I Hate Love

It makes no sense, who we love...

Extremes

When it was good, it was amazing. 

When it was bad, it was horrid.

Everything Was Nothing

Everything you ever accused me of

was just a give away for yourself

Every lie to told me

Was just a lesson

Everything was nothing

Words lost all meaning

Coming Out Of The Fog Of Abuse

He tried to kill my creativity by controlling and manipulating me.  He also discovered that he could get what he wanted out of me without hitting me.  He still smashed things and intimidated me so I could see that it would turn into one of those relationships where he would only hit me, probably once or twice a year, just to keep me in line.  The rest of the time he could control me by isolation, jealousy, fear, threats, manipulation and lying.  I am breaking free now.  He did not succeed.  I am free to be me and to be with someone who celebrates all that I am.  Abusers try to crush your spirit, they try to break you down to where you don't even know yourself anymore.  It's all about them, and they will drain you dry and then yell at you for not ever being enough to fulfill their own emptiness. 

Living With Your Anger

"Anger is nothing but a defense mechanism for the hurt that lies underneath of it".

Missing Him

Every morning, when I get out of the shower and put Neosporin on the scratches on my chest, and see the bruise developing on my breast, and the bruises on my hand and knee, oh yeah, and I turn around and see the bruises on my ass that must be from where he ripped my shorts off of me and put me on the floor, and I think about the whore that he woke up with this morning... I stop missing him.

Never Forget

I wake up several times in the night, with my finger throbbing from where he twisted my hand months ago.  It's almost as if my body is giving me a nudge every day, saying 'Kelly, don't block it out, don't forget, don't let him do this to you again'.  And my finger injury isn't even from one of the nights he attacked me, and really got to me, because I was in my truck and able to drive away. 

He physically assaulted me when he was drunk, he assaulted me when he was sober.  He assaulted me at night, he assaulted me in the middle of the day.  He has threatened me, threatened to do "something" to my mother, threatened my life numerous times, like a child abuser that says "now, if you tell anyone, I will kill your parents", that's what it all reminds me of now.  He has damaged my house, my truck, my body, but it's my mind that I'm trying to preserve.  I won't let him have that.  I won't let him manipulate my mind anymore into thinking that he'll get better, that he's not really an abuser, because he is and always will be.  I keep saying, 'never forget Kelly, never let your guard down again'.  A man that loves you does not threaten your life.

Even sadder than all of this, is that there are women out there that really believe that it's normal for a man to be violent with them, and treat them like property.  And these women still chase after him!  At least I wasn't the one doing the chasing in all of this, I have that much respect for myself! 

Additionally, there are women, who accept the abuse, and then actually, shame other women for "making a big deal" out of being knocked around.  What I want to know is how do they sleep at night?  How sad for a woman that acts "catty", and puts down other women in her same situation, instead of empowering them.  I believe in empowering other women!  I believe in standing up for our rights, and not accepting abuse, whether it be verbal, emotional or physical.  It is a good woman, who stands up for what is right, and has enough respect for herself to say "you will not treat me this way".  It is that kind of woman that real men, good men, really want to be with anyway, I've found.

I kept telling myself the whole time, "We really do love each other.  It might be bad for me, but it is certainly powerful."  But once I learned that it a man cannot abuse you and love you at the same time, I was able to step away and say "No, you don't love me, you don't know what love is".

Every Morning I Die A Little Death

It's like a new little death inside of me every morning, when I wake up and remember how he cheated and lied.

Hot Rod Love

He celebrates all that I am, and I love him for all that he is.  We love each other's flaws, we love each other's strengths, beauty, achievements, mistakes, residual defects from childhood, silliness, sincerity, disappointments and insecurities.  His love for me has never waivered.  It is amazing.  He is my friend, my lover, if I want, and my fleeting shoulder to cry on.

Baltimore Boys Make Winning Comeback

And then out of the blue someone said "I heard some fool from Baltimore did not treat a very special lady right, so I thought I'd come down there to make amends for all the Baltimore boys".  Wow!  God certainly works in mysterious ways I guess.

After

Oh, the things you find out after a break-up!







.

Pain and Fear

The bruises go away, but the pain and the fear remain.










.

Fantasy

Sometimes I fantasize about living completely in his world, like he wanted.  To just give up myself and be with him twenty-four hours a day.  To make love five times a day, cook, ride, fish, play.  If it was only not so one-sided on his part, I would have happily moved in, and surrendered to it all.  But there was no balance.  I was just a thing, an object, to be on his arm, on his bike, on his boat, a possession.  He didn't care to get to know me as a person.  And knowing that if he didn't get his way, there was hell to pay, was not an option for me.  I respect myself more than that.

Lost Summer

The summer that could have been.

Random Thoughts

The fact that he cannot be alone, or be faithful, is just sad... and gross.  He doesn't understand how when I see that, how it makes everything even worse.  If he were alone, it would make me see him in a different, better light.

He asked me if I thought he was weak-minded.  I was shocked that he asked me that, because that is exactly how other men have described men that lose control and hit women, and it's spot on.  Guess he was thinking it too.

All I wanted to do that day was talk through the incident in the truck.  I said "sit down, we have to talk about this, because this is not normal", but he couldn't even discuss it without becoming violent.  And here we are.  Once again.

Brains & Brawn

Is it too much to ask for brains and brawn? 

 

What Humbles Me About Leaving

The fact that he's going to keep hurting women, is my only regret.  The fact that he will keep finding women that will take his abuse, like I did, is what humbles me about leaving.

It's Not About You For Once

You never even took the time to get to know me, because you were too busy trying to get me to constantly focus on you.

Back To Me

You sent me text messages calling me disgusting names and saying "you're nothing, you're not that special", because I would not take your calls when you were being verbally abusive, and trying to control every moment of my life. 

Then the next moment, an ex-boyfriend sent me a text, after well over a year of being apart, saying "I love the core of who you are.  I love you unconditionally.".

Those words lingered in the moment... "the core of you"...