Tour Dating

Sometimes for us natives, dating on the coast of Florida, near the second most beautiful beach in America, can feel like being a part-time tour guide. Everyone that lands here, needs someone to "show them around" and they flock to a native gal, like gnats to sweat. Which can put a gal that truly doesn't want to be in charge of the "relationship" stuff, completely and totally in charge. So that the unsuspecting tourist, or date, thinks that we might completely dig figuring everything out all the time. Attention Florida newcomers: We Florida Orange Blossoms are not your personal tour guide bitches.

Sorry. Okay, I had a bad day. Tours will resume tomorrow evening at 7pm.

Dating For Dinner

This recession has hit some of us really hard, which made me start thinking about the saying 'dating for dinner'. This is where girls go out with guys that they might not be very interested in just for a good, free meal. Dating for dinner is anything but free, however. It's taxing and the meal is usually not worth even doing your hair for, much less taking up an entire evening. Sometimes, you get surprised and have a really fabulous time, but 90% of the time, no, and in addition, it's really not nice to do this to a guy, now is it? Especially in a recession like this! However... as I find myself reusing chicken stock and taking inventory of all of the food in my cupboards, it's starting to sound like a good idea again! But then again, more and more guys I'm coming in contact with are unemployed these days, in addition to yours truly (attention all book publishers), and so a smart girl has to make sure to find the well fed men with the secure occupations. But a nice girl will probably end up losing those last ten pounds really soon...

picture courtesy of: www.outfitinspirations.com

To Tattoo Or Not To Tattoo

What makes some guys get tattoos and some guys not? I've always wondered what the dynamic is with this. What do other guys think about guys with tattoos, or none? Feedback please!

For The Love Of Chairs

For Fuck's Sake

If one more guy asks me if I have condoms, I'm going to freak out. Here's the deal. It's your dick, not mine. I don't know what size your little friend is. It's your responsibility to make sure he has the proper attire for entry if you're going to take him out and introduce him to people. If and when I've had condoms, they've been either to too big, too small, too thick, whatever. I don't get this. Do we girls ask men if they've "got any birth control pills" before we get it on? No. Listen, we know that you don't like condoms, we don't either, but it's just something that we have to deal with, isn't it? I thought we had all gotten this through our heads in the ninties, during the 'Safe Sex' and 'No Glove, No Love' ad campaigns. Be a big boy and figure it out... for fuck's sake!

A Medical Breakdown

So I went to the chiropractor a couple of weeks ago, and he asked me out, and he was actually cute and very assertive about asking me out (which makes it all the more flattering), so I said yes. He called me and I didn't have a chance to call him back because I was out with my girls and in loud places, etc. I vowed to call him back the next day. However, the next day he called me again, which is great (again, I was flattered, this guy seemed to seriously be taken with me, as he actually stated), so I answered and proceeded to apologize for not calling back yet, as I was not able to talk the day before. Then, this man, that I had met, only once, for a brief few minutes, in a professional medical environment mind you, said "you are a bad girl and you need to be spanked!". After a long moment of silence on my part, after the shock of what this stranger had just said to me began to sink in, I said "Uh... you don't know me well enough to say something like that to me...". Then, he said "Oooo, she doesn't like that!". Another few moments of silence... I believe I said in disbelief "Are you kidding me? I have to go. Bye bye now.".

So then I got to thinking, this guy is giving me all the signs that he just needs to get laid really, really badly, in a very untactful way, and that's all he wants. And since a "doctor" of some sort, is on my bucket list, and I also needed to get laid really, really badly, I slept with him. It was... uh... enthusiastic. But then two days later, he proceeded to get completely peeved because I wouldn't go out with him again, even though I thought we both got exactly what we wanted and expected. And women are confusing? This one still baffles me.

A local rocker friend of mine who had slept with every hot girl within a fifty mile radius told me many years ago, when I was 19 years old, 'Kelly, women come off, exactly how they want to be treated. Remember that'. I never forgot it. If I knew I came off, as a first impression to a guy, as a drunken idiot, I could never blame them for only trying to get into my pants without courting me for a month before hand. Hey, what did I expect, right? Not that they ever got what they wanted (I was a firm believer in not sleeping with my guy friends, plus, I was usually in a relationship back then), but I had to take some responsibility for acting like an idiot. Well, this same rule can be applied to men. You come off how you want to be treated by a woman. Inappropriate, arrogant, silly, or classy, assertive and smart? Remember it.

So, now I need a new chiropractor.

photo courtesty of www.tatianacaldwell.com

A Girl's Ego

I have recently learned that sometimes being a nice girl, mean's cutting the cord with a guy that you know is not the "one". Mark Twain once wrote, "There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it." How true this is for both sexes. A year ago, I thought only of men's ego's and the desperate and cold actions they take to protect them, and then along came mine. Dating "mean-timers", as Dr. Ian Kerner calls it, has been to fill in the spaces of my life, between the guys that I was crazy about, who broke my heart, that I was trying to get over, while waiting for ther real "one" to come along. All the while robbing myself of much needed time to self-reflect and giving other nice guys, hope that there would some day be something more between us. Telling myself that I was being a nice companion, a "nice" girl, fun and sweet, when really, all I was doing was leading men on, only for both parties to be dissapointed.

The focus lately has been so much on girls getting a clue and to stop fighting the fact that "he's just not that into you", whereas I find that so many of my girlfriends and I, just need to admit that "we're just not that into him either". So why date them? To stave off loneliness? To itch the scratch of needing to get laid to be able to think straight? To make sure, one more time, that I'm not just being too picky, and that I should give him another chance? For me, it's been all of those things, and, that my ego just needed him... to be into me. And if I'm really going to be honest enough with myself to be a good person, this behavior is inflated and mean, and now that I see it for what it is, I don't want to do it anymore. My happiness should not cause others sadness. I'm turning a new leaf, it's time for me to carry joy wherever I go, not false expectations.

Artwork: Monster in the Mirror by Pretty As A Picture at www.deviantart.com

Good Girl, Bad Girl

So I went on this date the other night with a guy that had lots of great potential, except for one thing that gals my age (ugh), know is a huge red flag. He was 40 years old and had never been married. Can I get over it, I thought? Sure, we all have our reasons for things, whatever. Well the evening was going fine enough, until he said to me "I think you are too good for me". So, I'm sitting there staring at this guy blankly, and the wheels are turning in my head trying to translate this guy speak. Of course, my first translation is 'okay, he's not interested. okay'. But then he proceeded to tell me that he usually dates 'barbie dolls'. I had to laugh inside, because that is what I've been called my whole life whenever my hair is blonde (minus the fake boobs). So, I said, 'okay, is that what you are looking for?' thinking now, 'why am I here?'. He explained that he didn't know why that was the case, but that was his history and that now he was looking for something more, someone with... a brain. Okay, good. I understand this. I've been known myself, in the past to date the biggest dumb guy I could find, as long as he could get it up on command. In fact, there were several that I had actually wished were mute. Anyway, then he asked me a question that I've never been asked on a first date before. He said 'what's the wildest thing you've ever done?'. I looked at him as if he had just stepped off of a spaceship. That's when the southern came out and I looked at him and said 'Honey, you're out of your mind if you think I'm gonna tell you that on this here, first date'. But that's when I realized, the correct translation for the previous, 'you're too good for me' statement. He meant, literally! Like, you are actually 'too good' as in 'you have morals' (which is debatable at times), as in 'you're going to wear eyeshadow that is appropriately applied and wear clothes that actually fit you'. I think he could have just said 'I can't really see your cleavage, so this really isn't going to work for me'. So, this was a first. Too "bad" for some, "too good" for others. Damned if you date, damned if you don't.

Chemistry

There is no denying chemistry. It is a force to be reckoned with, like no other.

Sex And The City... Blew Up In My Face.

Sex and the City taught us to have sex like men do. Go ahead and get yourself some eye candy on your arm, a boy toy, split the bill on the date and have fun. You use him, you think he’s using you too, and you don’t care and everyone is supposed to be happy. But then, you run into one who looks the part, but his heart gets involved.

David (let's call him David for the sake of this story) was an ex pro football player for the Kansas City Chiefs. He was 6'5" and gorgeous, and I was excited to be able to wear all of my 3" heels on dates with him and still look up into his eyes. I was up front with David the whole two weeks we went out. I told him that all I wanted was to date and have fun and that I could not give him exclusivity. He walked out, then he came back. When he came back he said he would play by my rules, but then he couldn’t after all. And now he is mad and heartbroken. As careful as I was, not contacting him every day, just trying to be sweet, just keeping it on a superficial level, he still got his heart broken apparently. And so the circle continues. A circle of breaking hearts all over this town, the next town, the country and the world. One heart gets broken, and then that heart heals a little, or a lot, and then goes on to break another.

I had no intention of dating David for any length of time for so many reasons. Firstly that he is probably one of the dumbest men I have ever met, much less dated. He had no real set goals when I met him and then of course when he spent two days with me, then he said that I was the ‘kick in the ass’ that he needed to get going on things he wanted to do. And since I am not interested in teaching a forty year old man how to become motivated in life, I quickly realized that this would only be a fling. Now, I told him that I couldn’t/ wouldn’t be exclusive with him, but couldn’t bring myself to be what I thought would be “mean” and tell him he was a big dummy with nothing to show for himself. Now he’s mad and thinks that I sugar coated everything with him and that I am a liar and a deceiver. Hmm. Does that mean that we need to be brutally honest as single women? How much good does it do any of these men when we skate around the real truth, or just completely and suddenly cut off all communication? In my evolving single life I’m wondering at what point I have to give a man that I don’t know or care about the truth that may help him with the next girl. Now, in turning the tables, do I want to hear the brutal truth told to me about how, when, what and why when guy just isn’t that into me? Hmm… pause…. Pause… thinking….. I believe… yes.

Kissing Boys

The world is full of bad kissers! Here are some that I have defined... unfortunately.

The Lizard Kisser – This is an epidemic. Believe me, I’ve kissed enough guys to know. Where is this coming from? How is the world did men all over come to decide that the way to kiss a woman is to purse your lips into a tight oval, open your mouth and proceed to stick out your tongue and waggle it back and forth into your dates mouth as quickly and hard as you can?! This is not only alarming, but I can assure you, soooo upsetting to the woman who actually decided she liked you enough by the end of the evening to kiss you, only to feel the huge disappointment of coming across, yet another, Lizard Kisser.

The Dishrag – This guy cannot figure it out, and when I say ‘it’, I mean, anything. He’s super hot and you are waiting, with bated breath for him to ask you out, giving him every clue and opening that he needs besides talking to him like a four year old and saying ‘now this is when you say…’. This guy is so hot that you decide, fine, you are going to be the one to ask HIM out. Okay, he says yes. Where to go, what to do… he has no clue. You decide everything, fine you are going to be in charge of the entire evening, the man has a few opinions as you talk to him during the course of the evening. Okay, that’s hopeful… I guess. You have hope because you really want him to win, you’re rooting for him! But this is the guy that describes himself as “laid back”. Yeah. Translation: he has the drive and wherewithal of Kevin Federline. Okay, maybe not even that much, at least Kevin got up and danced a jig every now and again. This guy is a hot sloth. So, in the spirit of wanting him to win, you think, well maybe he’ll be a nice, slow, teasing, sensual lover. So you kiss him. Nope. He kisses you like he was doing bong hits all night and ya know he didn’t cuz you’ve been with him all night and he hasn’t moved a muscle out of your sight. Sigh.

The Slobberer – Now hopefully when and if you encounter this guy and have the displeasure of kissing him, it will be at the very end of the night, because he will absolutely ruin your make-up. I mean from the bottom of your chin to your nostrils to each smile line side to side. Your face will be licked so clean of lipstick and foundation in all of the above areas, (and red and irritated from the licking if you are as unfortunately pale as I am) that your mouth area will look like an orangutan's’s ass. Ya know, like from the Discovery Channel, the monkey’s with the bare asses. Yeah. Needless to say this guy is unnecessarily salivating all over your personal space. After kissing The Slobberer, you will be left in the shock of his car wash tongue wondering if you accidentally closed your eyes and missed a huge dog coming up in between the both of you. Hey, at least he's enthusiastic.

The Cannibal - Do I need to explain this one? This man wants to eat you for dinner. Run!

The Jack Pot - Hallelujah! He does none of the above. He takes control, but is gentle and uses his lips instead of his teeth and as much saliva as he can muster up. This man understands that a woman is not his own personal envelope he's trying to lick and seal. This one is the keeper kisser.

Outside Lights

I always forget to change the bulbs in the outside lights.

How the absense of light can shine like such a beacon sometimes

for the whole neighborhood to see...

"Hey everybody, she doesn't have a man anymore!"