The Cure

I will nurse this break up with pure,

 undiluted, raw, bad ass, horsepower. 

And if it doesn't kill me,

then I'll live to love another day.

Cleaning House

Photography 'Chore' courtesy of: Damaris

When nursing a break up from someone that you actually loved, not only do you have to try to purge them from your thoughts, but also purge every physical trace of them from your life.  It's difficult but theraputic to go around the house and see, really see it all, and then either fix or clean every thing that they touched.  Each of these little visitations brings up the painful memories, but the act of ackowledging them, and then purging them is validating.  I've found that guys are really good at doing this right away.  Women tend to linger, unless they're angry enough to take immediate action.

Alone, I roam through my house, and perform the ritual... in the yard, where the bottle caps lay that he said he didn't want to put his hands in the mud to grab for me... the floors that still need to be cleaned... the toothbrush to be thrown away... the sheets and towels that need to be washed from our lovemaking... the hole in the bedroom door that needs repaired... the dent in the drywall that I'll just cover up... the dents in the side of my truck that need to be fixed... the candlesticks that were a gift from my mother that need to be thrown away now... the food from the party that needs to be dumped out because that's a memory too... all of these little things, these little heartbreaks, these little landmines laying all around the house that have to go.  And there's the shirt... one last thing, the big thing, the shirt, that I bury my face in and give one last, long smell of, and remember the good and tender moments, before throwing it away.

Love Derailed

It's supposed to be so simple, because love is really... so rare.  Whatever happened to those simple days?  You like him, he likes you, you spend all your time together, fall in love and never look back.  That's supposed to be the simple part of the relationship as a whole: the beginning.  Then the hard work begins later, after the foundation is built.  What a shame when that joy is derailed.

Revelations

Revelations of a love that I never should have felt:  He is angry.  Incredibly angry.  Anger is sadness, and sadness is depression.  I ain't no doctor, but I believe he suffers from severe manic depression, mixed with survivor's guilt and Sociopathic tendencies.  A true Sociopath would not suffer from survivor's guilt, because they are not able to empathise to have guilt, but his acute ability to manipulate and the inability to feel remorse for those manipulations are certainly sociopathic behavior.

And I didn't even know him very well.

And he hates me for knowing what I do.

And hate is love.

The Tortured

Because he does not love himself, he finds it very hard to believe that someone else could ever truly love him.

Beauty And The Beast

courtesy of:  angelicwingz.glogster.com

You're not a stranger to me

And you, well, you are something to see

You don't even know how to please

You say a lot, but you're unaware how to leave

My darling lives in a world that is not mine

And old child, misunderstood, out of time

Timeless is the creature, who is wise

And timeless is the prisoner, in disguise

Who is the beauty, who the beast?

Would you die of grieving, when I leave?

Two children, too blind to see

I would fall in your shadow, I believe

My love is a man who's not been tamed

Oh my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain

We come from different worlds, but we are the same

I never doubted your beauty... I've changed

I never doubted your beauty... I've changed

Who is the beauty?

Where is my beast?

There is no beauty

Without my beast

My beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful beast

- Stevie Nicks

Being Alone

A wise friend told me several years ago about being alone;

"if you can't learn to enjoy your own company,

then no one else will enjoy your company eventually either".

Love Yourself

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him."

-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Electric

"We go together like electric chairs and sparks" 

- The Haints, 'It Only Goes To Show'

Hope To Sadness

So foolish of me to imagine having his baby.  So foolish of me to imagine all of us, his friends and mine, all around the dinner table while his best friend blessed our food, and we all held hands.  Traditions kept and new traditions begun.  I could have added to that.  The precious rituals of family.  Stupid of me to imagine befriending his momma and imagining him telling his family that I was pregnant, and of the precious moment of me telling him I was pregnant too.  Foolish of me to imagine taking care of him, that I would be able to fulfill a man like that enough to keep him home and faithful.  It was so stupid of me to open myself up at all. 

What kills me the most, is the humiliation in front of all of our friends.  I don't know how to bounce back from that.  I do not know how to bounce back from being humiliated in front of his friends and mine, by him.  I have never been disrespected like that.  I could deal with the unanswered questions, I could deal with a lot of things, but not that.  Never that.  He'd have to make a goddamned public apology to make up for that shit, I don't know, I just don't know.  I wanted him to be my King, I thought he was made of that stuff, to have a Queen.  I didn't see all of this coming, because he loved his strong momma. 

He cursed me for my writing.  Sometimes I feel it's a curse too.  I have gotten so much better with speaking though, I've worked on that.  Still, I'll always be better with the written word, than speaking.  When I speak, I never feel heard.  When I write or sing, I feel that even if no one is reading, that it's more permanent.  It's there, it's set in stone and maybe someday, someone will have heard me.

I read this today of someone else wrote, of her love, and it makes me miss the "good" him even more, the brief glimpses that I saw of him.  It makes me think of what could have been, what should have been, and it moved me so much:

"I woke twice last night.  The first time, I wanted some water, and slowly pulled away from your arms where you were holding me. We’d fallen asleep that way. The moment you felt me slipping away, you pulled me closer. I pulled again and you pulled me closer again and held me tighter still. The stubborn refusal to let me go, even as you slept seemed magical, almost undeserved. Who is this man who cherishes me so he can’t let me go, even in sleep? I finally rose and watched you, drinking my water in the door way. It was so cold, it wasn’t long before I climbed back to you. The room was freezing, but your arms — those arms that can so easily pick me up — were warmer than the midday sun.
In the morning, when I gave a start in my sleep trapped in a nightmare where my father’s corpse awaited me in murky waters, you woke me kissing my eyelids. You said my name, kissing them over and over until the dream faded away and there was only warmth.
You can psychoanalyze that. I prefer to spend my morning sipping coffee and reflecting on how fragile yet powerful this thing we’ve built between us is."  (http://gutsymmetries.tumblr.com/)

'Magical'.  That's the word I used for us.  But the words 'cherish', or 'treasure', no, I never got those from him.  Maybe they don't teach that in his part of the north; how to 'cherish' and 'treasure' women.  It's just another question that he might not have been able to give me an answer to.  It's just all very sad, from hope to sadness.
     

Solace

Ah, Rhett.  He was a criminal for the war torn south, and so, our hero.  He was a bad ass gentleman.  He was a ladies man.  He was a family man.  He was Scarlett's one true love, and she was undoubtedly his in the end.  The last 3.5 minutes of this movie clip always get to me, but are always solace when I'm in pain: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8etPTVveGb4&feature=related

"You once said 'heaven help the man who really loves me'."  He must be quite a man. 

From Insecurity To Reason

Me:  If you were dating a girl, and she asked "are you my man?" when she was out, and you said "yes", and she said "so I can tell all these other mother fuckers 'hell no', right?", what would you say?

Wise Friend:  I would just smile and say 'sure'.  I would think it was funny.  Why?

Me:  Cause I just had a guy blow a gasket over it.

Wise Friend:  And what was his reason?  Did he blow a gasket over your statement, or because guys were hitting on you?

Me:  Both.  I asked the question because I wanted to know where we stood and how he would react if I was getting attention. 

Wise Friend:  Yeah, I know, but why did he pop?

Me:  That's what I don't know.

Wise Friend:  Rhett doesn't have a bad temper my dear.

Me:  He hit on a girl right in front of me in retaliation.

Wise Friend:  Ask him to explain it.  You must be able to have communication, or forget it.  Maybe he thought you were playing a game with him.

Me:  Yes, I'm sure he thought I was playing a game with him, which I kind of was because I thought that we were at a point in our relationship, and adoration of each other that we could have fun like that, where he would say "that's right baby, you're mine now!"  Was I wrong?

Wise Friend:  No, you were totally correct.  Remember what I told you before, it is how people react that shows their character.

What I didn't tell my wise friend was how evil this guy was to me in detail...  He's the kind of guy that likes to break good women and destroy their hopes and spirit.  He almost destroyed his ex.  He will not destroy me.

Everyone Has A Journey

If you can't accept someone for all that they are, including their past, and how they chose to deal with their pain, then you don't deserve the true love and true intimacy, that comes with that acceptance.  There is no judgement in love and acceptance.  You can never be accepted for who you are, without giving acceptance in return.

Truth And Respect

Honesty and Respect. 

Two things that are absolute must-have's in a relationship. 

Two things that I have been giving, and never got back.

I put a knot in my necklace for every time he blew up on me. 

Every time I did, it made my necklace shorter,

and I knew that eventually, it would choke me.

Waiting For The One

Faith Hill, I'm so jealous, girl!  Sometimes doubt gets the best of me, but I'm sure, that if I continue on the good path I've been on for over a year now, that he'll come to me.  I will never lose faith.  Somewhere out there he's thinking the same thing.  "Where's my classy girl, that is fabulous, talented yet loyal and family oriented, like Faith, but still a blast to be around?"  I'm here!

'Girl you've never known no one like me
Up there in your high society
They might tell you I'm no good
Girl they need to understand
Just who I am
I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man

I may drink too much and play too loud
Hang out with a rough and rowdy crowd
That don't mean I don't respect
My Mama or my Uncle Sam
Yes sir, yes ma'am
I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man

I might have a reckless streak
At least a country-mile wide
If you're gonna run with me
It's gonna be a wild ride
When it comes to loving you
I've got velvet hands
I'll show you how a real bad boy
Can be a real good man

I take all the good times I can get
I'm too young for growing up just yet
Ain't much I can promise you
'Cept to do the best I can
I'll be damned
I may be a real bad boy
But baby I'm a real good man

I may be a real bad boy
Oh but baby I'm a real good man
Yes I am'

-Tim McGraw, 'Real Good Man'

Blind

When he made love to me, he put his hand on my face, as if he was blind, and he was trying to really see me.  I gave him everything, all of me, no secrets, there was nothing I wouldn't share.  I can honestly say I really tried, and that is my consolation.  The rest is on him.

The Pain

God, this hurts.

I'll Never Let Him Go

When I find the man that I can talk to

Who is good and strong to me

I will never, ever, ever let him go

Never Settle

Bad Timing and No Balance

He stood there in my garage, wanting his space, but not saying it, as if I'm a mind reader, and he said "I know plenty of bad ass bitches that could kick my ass.  I'm gonna send one here to straighten your ass out".  Who says that to their girlfriend?!  Who says that to the woman that they're supposed to be making to feel safe?  He gives sweet cards, and then the things that come out of his mouth are the complete opposite, and dripping with hate.

 

Dear God, where's my Rhett Butler?  The man that is a bad ass to the world, and a gentleman to me?  My equal; just like how I'm assertive at work and with the world, but caring and nurturing to my man.  They're either too bad to the point of evil, or they're too good, to the point of me not feeling like they can take charge.  Where is the balance?  How much longer do I have to wait God?

I'm really missing Braveheart right now.  That mother fucker was a fighting bad ass but treated me like a queen, and always had a plan for us.  He was so traditional that he wouldn't even hear of letting me pay for anything, always pulled out chairs, opened doors, shit, he didn't even want me to drive any where, and he was always in charge, and I did exactly what he told me to do, without question.  All he asked for was my loyalty, honesty and respect.  That's the kind of guy that you look back on and miss, and think, man, I wish I would've been ready for a relationship when he came around.  What is with all of this bad timing? 

Kharma

He is the devil bringing darkness and pain,

using evil devices

to try to distinguish

my light within. 

And God, it hurts,

the tools he's used. 

Kharma's a bitch though...

The Good Love

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill have it down.  He's a "real bad boy, but a real good man", as he says in his latest song.  He worships her and she him; they treat each other with such grace and respect.  You can tell that her sun rises and sets with him and she says that he "makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world."  They give each other enough space to be themselves and shine, but they are each other's rocks to always come home to.  You can see it in their eyes.  You cannot fake joy.  I think they're the new Johnny Cash and June Carter legendary, modern love.  They are best friends.  I want that.  Universe bring that to me!

Strong

I've learned that just because a man is dominant, it doesn't make him strong.  Strength comes from having peace within.  It's a quiet, confident strength, it's not mean spirited, shallow or scraping at surfaces. 

Allowances

I have always believed in the saying "garbage in, garbage out".  What we expose ourselves to, through what we watch on television, who we befriend, even what blood relatives we allow to remain in our lives, comes out in other forms through us, in our interactions with others.

If we expose ourselves to goodness, quality people and love, then I believe, what we will exude to others is peace.  I hear some people say that goodness, and good people are hard to find.  There was a time in my life when I would have said that, yes, but what I find more is that good people are everywhere around me, I just have to put myself in the right places to see it.  Quality, not quantity.

More Interpretations

He said "you're a good woman, Kelly, you are a good woman", while he made love to me.  And coming from a man like him... it was his way of saying 'God help me, I think I love you'.

Like Gramma & Grandpa

I will take care of you.

Will you take care of me?

Past It All

Focus on learning, loving, growing and serving someone who deserves you.

Adoration

He is good

He is bad

He is strong

He is vulnerable

He is sexy

He is delicious and frightening

and hard and soft and warm

and a beautiful mess. 

He is me

And now he is in me

And I will never be the same

Nor will he

Good To Me

Good behavior will be rewarded. 

That is all.

Will I Live To Regret?

Photography 'Rain. Love' by: Caopusoheil

Will I live to regret following my heart?

The Killing Words

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud..."  This is one of the only bible verses that stuck with me over all of the years of my christian upbringing.  My mother used to tell me "Kelly, be very, very careful what you say, because once it comes out of your mouth, it's hard to take it back".  She told me that when she was a teenager, she said something terrible to her father, and that to this day, over forty years later, she still feels regret and deep sadness about it.  Words are powerful naked weapons that can permanently scar relationships and tear apart the people that we love the most. 

"...one of the highest leading causes of death in many countries is suicide. The strange thing is that in so many of these cases, it is a direct result of 'merely' verbal bullying. This seems like an incredible development until you consider the way words can harm and demean us." 

"Words can hurt us in the most profound and lasting ways. They influence the way we look at the world and act as the primary means of communication between people. When words are used as weapons, the victim is attacked in a very real way. For example, words can be used to invalidate a person's most basic values and identity." 

"Yet, if words can hurt, they also have the capacity to heal and bring joy to everyone. Every word is like a prayer for either good or ill. It is up to the individual to use them with due wisdom and restraint." (by Rahman Majere  http://www.helium.com/items/2015598-how-words-hurt).

Love is sacred and rare.  Be kind and loving to your man/ woman.  Be understanding.  Even when you don't feel like it.  You'll be glad you were, in the long run.

New Year's Resolution

This year I will not focus on meeting a man that will be my husband, this year I will focus on meeting the man that will be my best friend.

Sink Into You

The candle light flickered on his face as we were starting to fall in love, and he said "I could just sink into you.  I could truly just sink right inside of you."