Too Drunk To Fuck

Have you ever gone out with your friends, and determined to get laid, but so drunk that you can no longer remember why anymore, looked over to one of them and said "is he/ she good looking"?

His Pillow When He Leaves Me...

...smells soooo good.

An Epiphany

I realized the other night that a woman's strength does not always come from her sexual prowess, some times it comes from her ability to be vulnerable at the right times, which is so much harder.

Wine me, dine me, but do not 69 me...

Let's talk about sexual trends some more.  The 69.  I would like to know if people are still doing this.  I hear guys talk about it, but, are they actually doing it?

For the past almost twenty years (ouch) I have seen sexual positions come (no pun intended) and go, and yet this position still seems very "eighties" to me.  Maybe I just have attention deficit disorder, but if a guy pulls this out of his sexual repitoire, I start having flashbacks of Whitesnake and spandex.  Is it just me? 

The Scent Of A Man

The more I learn about my own gender, the more I realize what mysterious and strange, yet beautifully particular creatures we women are. Dr. Rachel Herz has recently confirmed everything that I've ever said about the importance of a man's scent to a woman, in her article 'The Scent of Sex' http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/3256 . She explains how a man's immune system must be the opposite of ours, for us to be able to fend of "nasty recessive diseases", and to want to breed with him.

According to Dr. Herz, "women actually find how a man smells to be the most important factor in their sexual attraction". That's trumping power and money! Which explains why I've observed that, in the course of a conversation between me and my girlfriends, if one of us talks about a guy and doesn't say "oh my God, he smells soo good", I know that he's not going to be a real keeper. So basically, if a man's immune system doesn't jive with ours, then we will not be attracted to his individual scent. My translation to this would be, if you don't want to bottle his natural scent, then you'll be kicking him out of your bed sooner than later.



As I read this article by Dr. Herz, I was amazed and validated to find out the true biological importance of this part of sexual attraction for women. "In two large studies we conducted to examine how important various physical and social status factors were for men and women when choosing a sexual partner, we discovered that above all other physical characteristics, women ranked a man's scent as the most important feature for determining whether she would be sexually interested in him. How a man smelled was also much more important than any social status factor. And of all physical characteristics women preferred a man to the "better than average" in his body odor than anything else. Women also found men who smelled great due to the fragrance they wore irresistible. In the words of one respondent: "If I'm with a guy who smells really good, nothing else about him seems to matter."



Additionally, if a guys natural scent is wonderful, then when we go out, and he puts a nice cologne over that wonderful, natural scent, it's just that much hotter. And if we are grabbing your pillow to hold and smell after you're gone... it might just be love.

Regret

It seems for me to live this life to the fullest, I have had to make plenty of mistakes and always learn the hard way.  Sometimes, the same lesson, over and over... and then over again.  For men, I have cried, compromised, given, taken, lied, lost goodness and innocence and my mind.  I've hated, loved, and parts of me have completely died.  I've made mistakes that have ripped me apart inside, and that have isolated, betrayed and dissapointed people that I loved, or have just been cruel to people that I liked.  My only consolation has been that I have been punished three-fold for all of it.
Someone told me recently that I seem to be living life with no regrets, and I thought of an old movie called The Last Unicorn, that I used to watch when I was a girl.  A wizard turns the last unicorn into a beautiful young woman to protect her from being hunted, and in this shell of a female body she must face the evils of the world.  At the end she says "I am no longer like the others, for no unicorn was ever born who could regret, but now I do. I regret.".

Thigh High Season

Time to add more shit to our excercise routine again ladies, it's thigh high season! Fall can be especially challenging for us girls. The weather is cooler, it's football season, there's fattening, heavy food everywhere, and yet... we have to get into our thigh highs for Halloween costumes, since Halloween is now the Night Of Wearing Your Fancy Underwear In Public. I swear, I went to a Hugh Hefner Playboy themed party a few years ago, and had more clothes on than what I'm seeing for costumes now. It's easier to wear a bikini, than to strap a tight band around each of your thighs, which might actually create fat where there was none before, strangling each thigh to the point of looking like a piglet trying to escape from a nylon sausage casing. Anyway, here we go, it's fun... even if my ass is hanging out.

Girlfriends & Guys

Sometimes the simple wisdom that I get from my girlfriends is so profound that it makes me laugh and feel sorry for those that don't have this wonderful gift in their lives.  And by "those", I mean men.  Most men do not confide, divulge or dialogue with each other.  Most men's friendships are unspoken bonds of experiences together, rather than honest talking and listening to each other.
My girlfriends and I know about each others pain, joy, families, broken hearts, moments of bliss, happiness, sadness, and inquire about each other's well being just about every day.  A lot of times I joke about being a guy, however, in this aspect of my life, I'm so happy and proud to be a woman.
And of course, when something happens with a guy in our lives, each of us knows about it.  If I ever even contemplate getting serious with a guy, he knows that it's a package deal.  He has to win over my girlfriends first and foremost to really be in 'the club', and not just a passing novelty.
Today, in particular, I confided to my best friend about a guy that has been in and out of my life for a couple of years now, and cannot deal with his emotions in any sort of heathly manner whatsoever.  Somewhere in the time line of his life, he learned that having strong emotions is weak.  I feel sad for him, yet cannot help him in this journey of emotional growth/ maturity that he must go through.  When he recently contacted me to finally tell me something about his feelings, after a year of silence, I felt rather tender towards him, and wanted to help him through his feelings because I've always cared for him.  Then my girlfriend said "Oh Jesus Kelly, I want off of this ride and I want my money back!  He wasn't there for you in your time of emotional need, why should you be there for his?!"  And she is so very right!  As women, our first instinct is to comfort those that we care about, but, for example, as most parents know, this is not always the right thing to do.   It is one of the most difficult challenges that we, as women face, to allow someone we care about, to hurt, and leave them alone.  However, over and over again, I see men do it, so easily, it seems. 
I think that all of our brains are like houses.  Each emotion has a room, and men seem to just be able to walk out of the room and shut the door.  As women, we find ourselves trapped in the room, with the door locked from the outside, not able to get out, until everything in the room is in order first.  In other words, dealing with our emotions first, then going on about our lives secondly, but with new found wisdom of what we have dealt with.  And sometimes, right when we find ourselves able to walk out of that room and leave it behind, a man will just then be reopening the same door, to the same room, in his own house.   

Oktoberfest Is For Lovers

Well, here it is again.  Ah, Oktoberfest.  The weather will break, beer will flow like a river, the girls will serve it and look pretty with their Dirndl's on, tradition will continue and all will be right with the world for a few moments. 

Sons Of Anarchy

Oh Lord and baby Jesus, help me. I can hardly type for the panting. This is bad. I haven't had a Hollywood crush like this since Bo Duke. No, scratch that; since John Sykes from Whitesnake. Anyway, enter the second season of Sons Of Anarchy, and Charlie Hunnam (insert echoing here), my latest obsession. Holy God, after seeing the episode where he comes out of the shower, this man quite possibly has it all, and on top of it, in real life, he's British.

Bad Ass Girls

James Allen said "People do not attract that which they want, but that which they are". 

I give up.  I love bad boys.  Relapse mode: engaged.

A Girl's Bed Is Her Best Friend

I hereby declare that the days of letting a man that you have "slept" with, actually sleep with you, are over. That is, of course, unless you really like him and want to see him again. Otherwise, he's gotta go! I hear it from my girlfriends time and time again. Oh, I didn't get any sleep last night because I finally had sex with so and so. Why? Because unlike most men, we cannot sleep soundly with a man in our bed that we don't want to cook breakfast for. (Passing out doesn't count). But women and men alike, feel obligated to let someone sleep in our beds. Where is this obligation coming from? Is it just a social standard that we have come to accept and no longer question? Why is it so hard for us to nicely and respectfully say to each other, "okay, I'll talk to you soon, goodbye". The other side of the coin here is the ideal situation, where you wake up next to someone that you are really excited about and would love to spend the whole next day in bed with. Alas, those people are a rare gift, with the makings of a real love, aren't they? And so, for that person that we know that we just want to have sex with, we really don't want them sleeping in our beds, because that privilege should be saved for someone special, in my humble opinion.

My best friend once told me that her grandmother used to say to her "your bed is your best friend", when she was a little girl. I guess we never grow out of some things.

The Reconciliation Fantasy of Love Addiction

In a Love Addict's perfect world, we would see each other across the room and would not be afraid to look into each other's eyes. There would be no bitterness, no more anger. Everyone else would disappear and I would run into his arms. He would hold me tight and say that he was so very sorry. I would say it's okay now. We would not fight our destiny to be together any more. We would commit for real, we would depend on each other, have realistic expectations, speak the truth of our hearts, accept and divulge, communicate responsibly, maturely and never let anyone come in between our unbreakable bond of destiny.

Goodbye To A One In A Million

When Patrick Swayze first came onto the Hollywood scene, he was the ultimate sexy, bad boy. Displaying his gorgeous arms, and a genuine smile, he fought the bad guys and won. And, of course, I adored him. He was the leader of the pack. I watched 'The Outsiders' and 'Roadhouse' over and over, and watched him from film to film, panting over his easy, righteous, masculine authority. He was King.

In the real world, he was even more manly than the characters that he portrayed. His Queen was his wife, Lisa. He clearly loved and worshipped her, and was married to her for 34 years. They renewed their wedding vows last year, after 33 years of marriage, which is absolutely unheard of in Hollywood.

Goodbye Patrick. I will miss you, and will never forget you. Thank you for being so bad, and so good.

Football Weekends

Football season is officially upon us again. All one has to know, to find out how important this sport is to American culture, is to hear the words of the late John Heisman, "it is better to have died a small boy, than to fumble this football".

So make fire, eat, drink and be merry this day. Have a great Sunday everyone!

A Kiss That Stops Time

Have you ever kissed someone and it was so good that it just stopped time?

Fantasy Football

It's that time of the year again! Men everywhere are a giddy with excitement for the first kick-off of football season. Like little elves, they start forming groups and gathering all of their information ammunition for fantasy football leagues. Participating men that I've asked, spend between 1-12 hours a week on this hobby... or fantasy rather.

Betty Swallows

A while back, a girlfriend and I were having a beer at my favorite pub. Whilst looking for our drunken, name-clad dollar bills that decorated the bar area in its entirety, all the way to the ceiling, we looked up and saw the words 'Betty Swallows'. This just so happened to be the third time in a row within one week that we had seen reference to 'swallowing' in a bar (yes, it was a tough week). We both looked at each other and said in stereo "oh Jesus, is that back again"?
Which leads me to several questions. Firstly, how important is swallowing? Secondly, do sexual fetishes come and go like fashion trends? Oh God, am I old enough to have seen them go out of style and come back already? Lastly, who is named Betty these days?

Speaking Of Dick

Okay, this is just funny. If all men were required to wear pants this tight, we women would not have the 'Male Mystery' problem!

The Mystery of Men

We are all fooled from time to time by the opposite sexes outward appearance and persona, but for the most part, in my opinion, some people have the ability to "size someone up" quickly, and others do not. Except in the case of "dick".

If you are single, you can clearly and usually instantly see if you are attracted to someone or not. However, men have a very unfair advantage in this area. A man can see if a girls body is going to work for him sexually or not over her clothing. Over clothing, he can get a pretty good idea of breast size, waist size, ass and on down the line. And if he talks to her, and gets a couple of drinks into her, he can probably even, generally size up, how the sex is going to be. But for us girls, we can only "size" men up to a certain point. We can say that we like what we hear, we like what we see... so far. Wanting to know if his wang is going to work for us is like a plague of the mind. Some women want an average size, some women don't mind smaller (as long as he's a good lover), and some women want the big one. It's like a Christmas present underneath of the tree that you have no idea what it is, and you don't know how much longer you can take it just laying there in front of you, waiting to be opened.

A hundred guys can walk by us, and we never know which one has the junk that fits just right. Is it the tall guy? the well-built guy? the short guy? the unsuspecting, shy guy? the outgoing, confident guy? The smart, unassuming guy? It is the ultimate mystery of the male species... and it's not fucking fair!

Love Addiction & Love Avoidance: The Dance

Hello, my name is Kelly, and I'm an addict. A "Love Addict", that is. According to Pia Mellody, author of 'Facing Love Addiction', I have been a "Love Addict" almost since my first relationship, always being drawn to love men that either cannot be, or will not be emotionally available, or ever experience healthy intimacy with another person. She calls these men "Love Avoidants". I have to admit, after reading this book, it is true. According to Pia, "Love Addicts" are tragically, only drawn to "Love Avoidants" in their lives to try to fulfill, or fix the trauma within themselves, from a primary care giver not being emotionally available. In other words, for me and women like me, it has been scratching and clawing at men that remind us of our fathers, so as to finally get his attention and to matter, aka: Daddy Issues. However, this man that we are attracted to, being a replica of our fathers, doesn't have the ability to experience true healthy intimacy with another person, for his own reasons, and in fact, feels completely smothered, frightened and irritated by the "Love Addicts" attention at a certain point. He wants to be with her, but only up to the point where he feels it is safe. Mellody states "Love Avoidants consciously (and greatly) fear intimacy because they believe that they will be drained, engulfed, and controlled by it". "Love Avoidants where drained, engulfed and controlled by someone else's neediness (somewhere in their childhoods), and they don't want to go through that experience again". So they flee, and then to try to fix their own trauma, they come back again when time has past and they feel it's safe to re-enter the relationship.

We are drawn to what is familiar to us, aren't we? And so, both of us, go back and forth in this dance between two emotionally unhealthy people that are drawn to each other and then repelled over and over again.

Picture courtesy of vi.sualize.us/tag/robot/?page=5

Lucky You II

Allow me to be creative for a moment. I think I like the middle one the best. What's your vote?

Raining Men

I drive a girl truck. You know one of those little ones. It is nice and I love my little truck. It has an extra cab for all my stuff and it hauls things at my whim, so that I don't have to bother others to do it for me. Occasionally, it hauls a "cute boy".

One night I went out to meet some friends at a swanky restaurant bar in my little redneck truck. They were guy friends and so I was doomed to meet no one. I was in the middle of a huge dry spell, very antsy and I was totally cock-blocked. I decided it could be worse, shook it off and started drinking to forget about it. We all had a blast, then I went out to leave. I backed out of my parking space, then heard and felt a huge banging around in the back of my truck. Someone had jumped into the back! My heart almost stopped and I looked at my glove box and was trying to remember if I had put my gun back into it or not while I had heart palpitations and tried to breathe. I turned around to look at who was behind me and it was one of the most gorgeous guys I had ever seen in this neck of the woods. This guy looked like a male model. He was laying in the back of my truck waving a manicured hand at me. I just sat there staring at him. He was well-dressed from his Banana Republic shirt to his Prada shoes. Clearly this guy was not from here. He was tall, svelte and confident as hell, with a smile that lit up the fucking parking lot. I decided that he was drunk and completely harmless, so I looked up and thanked the dating gods for smiling on old Kelly girl that night.

I rolled down my window and said "Are you looking for work?" He said "I'm going home with you". I said "Are ya now? I don't even know you". He said "Well let's go somewhere and get to know each other". I said "I like the attitude. Get in the front, I'm not driving you around like a tomato picker". He did. We did. I drove him back to his nice little condo in the morning and never heard from him again. No false promises, no apathetic phone number exchanging. He was going back to wherever he came from (I don't remember where that was) and we said goodbye and good luck.

That was the night that the gods decided to give yours truly a much needed gift and break. And for the first time in my life, I just took the gift gracefully. I didn't ask why, I didn't fight and try to claw for more, I just said thank you quietly to myself and drove away.

The Guy Who Doesn't Drink

Every now and again my girlfriends and I run across a nice man, who wants to take one of us out, but he doesn't drink, aka: The Guy Who Doesn't Drink.

Now, I've always said "never trust someone who can't go out and have a couple of beers and be done with it". However, for some women, this may not be an issue, and in fact, I hear tell, that it is actually a plus for some. Of course, I can assure you, that for my two best friends and me, it is most certainly not okay. Unless all three of us need a designated driver and he makes pick up's and deliveries at no cost, with a smile and has the patience of a saint and possibly ear plugs.

But admittedly, I've gone out with The Guy Who Doesn't Drink, because, what wouldn't I do for the possibility of a good story to tell? However, I'm setting aside my own stories for today, because the ones with the non-drinkers are simply not that exciting, and I have recently decided to spare any more of them from the misery of knowing me. I finally stopped thinking that I would be able to get them to drink using psychological trickery, or by them simply seeing how jolly it made me.

Anyway, my girlfriend Katy recently went out with a very cute guy who did not drink. Katy drinks vodka like I drink beer. Now Katy is no sloppy drunk. She can slam her little pink drinks down like a pro and stand up fully erect in her little pink heels all night and be no worse for the wear. She is never embarrassing, only more and more funny as the night goes on, as the vodka slowly begs her to verbalize everything that pops into her mind. Now this nice young man proceeded to tell Katy that he has a sister who has 'special needs' and that his best friend is also 'mentally challenged', and that he is a bit sensitive to the use of the word 'retarded'. Katy then proceeded to tell him how much she hates the "retarded kid" that lives down the street from her because he keeps moving her fucking potted plants around.

Then, so as not to look too kind and gentle, The Guy Who Doesn't Drink proceeded to ask Katy if she liked "ink", then rolled up his dress shirt sleeves and showed her his flame tattoos around his wrists, and that he's got a lot more where that came from. Katy tells him that she hates tattoos and that his "wrist flames" look like clown cuffs.

At this point, our cute and sweet Guy That Doesn't Drink is so taken with our adorable little Katy's blatant honesty and matter-of-fact smiling, that he quickly asked her out on another date to which she calls me immediately afterwards and says "I dunno, he doesn't drink"!

Fun Date #3

Miniature Golf is fun for several reasons. You get to help the lady that you are with play, as this fine gentleman below is demonstrating. Or, the lady that you are with is fiesty, and you get to have some healthy competition, which always gets the blood flowing. And the best reason (drum roll), is that there are little dark nooks and crannies along the course that you can sneak a make-out session in.

Oh, and Busch Gardens is really good for that too, with all of its caves, when it's not too hot. Yay for kissing "cute boys"!