My dad & me at the zoo around 1977
It took me about thirty years to realize that my father was a good dad, but a terrible spouse. I spent a lot of time with my dad, after he decided to be there, when I was growing up. I was his little "hot-rod buddy". We would go to "rod run's" together, and he would let me sit in his lap and drive. He would show me the differences between and old Chevy and an old Ford by certain angles of the car body. Once he embraced fatherhood, he was really good at it, and we had a lot of fun. He was a god to me, I worshipped all that was daddy, and always wanted to be with him. He would let me steal candy from the stores and not make me go back and apologize like mom did. He would buy me slim jims and cokes and we would hit the road! He would ask me to hold lights for him in the garage and I would duck for cover when he cussed and threw wrenches. I always wanted to help, but mostly just got in the way, and he would let me. He was strong and silent. I watched the way women would flirt with him, when we were out, and how aloof he seemed.
I see him today, without the illusions of my youth. I see him for the man that he is, good and bad. I realize now that he showed me what a man looks like in a relationship. How they show up to other women, not just to me. I realize now that he wanted to be a good person in front of me, but not so much in front of my mother. And I wonder now, now that I'm grown and I know about the other women, what did he used to say to them? Did he tell them he would call? Did he say pretty words to them and act chivilrous? Did he go out and have fun with them, have sex, break their hearts, and then come home to tuck me in? Of course, I still love him, however he will never know how clearly I see now, how much his detachment and lack of communication with my mother, has affected my own love life.
Yet with all of his flaws, I still love and accept him for who he is, and in turn, hopefully I can accept myself, with all of my own flaws, as simply still, just daddy's girl.