Missing Him

Every morning, when I get out of the shower and put Neosporin on the scratches on my chest, and see the bruise developing on my breast, and the bruises on my hand and knee, oh yeah, and I turn around and see the bruises on my ass that must be from where he ripped my shorts off of me and put me on the floor, and I think about the whore that he woke up with this morning... I stop missing him.

Never Forget

I wake up several times in the night, with my finger throbbing from where he twisted my hand months ago.  It's almost as if my body is giving me a nudge every day, saying 'Kelly, don't block it out, don't forget, don't let him do this to you again'.  And my finger injury isn't even from one of the nights he attacked me, and really got to me, because I was in my truck and able to drive away. 

He physically assaulted me when he was drunk, he assaulted me when he was sober.  He assaulted me at night, he assaulted me in the middle of the day.  He has threatened me, threatened to do "something" to my mother, threatened my life numerous times, like a child abuser that says "now, if you tell anyone, I will kill your parents", that's what it all reminds me of now.  He has damaged my house, my truck, my body, but it's my mind that I'm trying to preserve.  I won't let him have that.  I won't let him manipulate my mind anymore into thinking that he'll get better, that he's not really an abuser, because he is and always will be.  I keep saying, 'never forget Kelly, never let your guard down again'.  A man that loves you does not threaten your life.

Even sadder than all of this, is that there are women out there that really believe that it's normal for a man to be violent with them, and treat them like property.  And these women still chase after him!  At least I wasn't the one doing the chasing in all of this, I have that much respect for myself! 

Additionally, there are women, who accept the abuse, and then actually, shame other women for "making a big deal" out of being knocked around.  What I want to know is how do they sleep at night?  How sad for a woman that acts "catty", and puts down other women in her same situation, instead of empowering them.  I believe in empowering other women!  I believe in standing up for our rights, and not accepting abuse, whether it be verbal, emotional or physical.  It is a good woman, who stands up for what is right, and has enough respect for herself to say "you will not treat me this way".  It is that kind of woman that real men, good men, really want to be with anyway, I've found.

I kept telling myself the whole time, "We really do love each other.  It might be bad for me, but it is certainly powerful."  But once I learned that it a man cannot abuse you and love you at the same time, I was able to step away and say "No, you don't love me, you don't know what love is".

Every Morning I Die A Little Death

It's like a new little death inside of me every morning, when I wake up and remember how he cheated and lied.

Hot Rod Love

He celebrates all that I am, and I love him for all that he is.  We love each other's flaws, we love each other's strengths, beauty, achievements, mistakes, residual defects from childhood, silliness, sincerity, disappointments and insecurities.  His love for me has never waivered.  It is amazing.  He is my friend, my lover, if I want, and my fleeting shoulder to cry on.

Baltimore Boys Make Winning Comeback

And then out of the blue someone said "I heard some fool from Baltimore did not treat a very special lady right, so I thought I'd come down there to make amends for all the Baltimore boys".  Wow!  God certainly works in mysterious ways I guess.

After

Oh, the things you find out after a break-up!







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Pain and Fear

The bruises go away, but the pain and the fear remain.










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Fantasy

Sometimes I fantasize about living completely in his world, like he wanted.  To just give up myself and be with him twenty-four hours a day.  To make love five times a day, cook, ride, fish, play.  If it was only not so one-sided on his part, I would have happily moved in, and surrendered to it all.  But there was no balance.  I was just a thing, an object, to be on his arm, on his bike, on his boat, a possession.  He didn't care to get to know me as a person.  And knowing that if he didn't get his way, there was hell to pay, was not an option for me.  I respect myself more than that.

Lost Summer

The summer that could have been.

Random Thoughts

The fact that he cannot be alone, or be faithful, is just sad... and gross.  He doesn't understand how when I see that, how it makes everything even worse.  If he were alone, it would make me see him in a different, better light.

He asked me if I thought he was weak-minded.  I was shocked that he asked me that, because that is exactly how other men have described men that lose control and hit women, and it's spot on.  Guess he was thinking it too.

All I wanted to do that day was talk through the incident in the truck.  I said "sit down, we have to talk about this, because this is not normal", but he couldn't even discuss it without becoming violent.  And here we are.  Once again.

Brains & Brawn

Is it too much to ask for brains and brawn? 

 

What Humbles Me About Leaving

The fact that he's going to keep hurting women, is my only regret.  The fact that he will keep finding women that will take his abuse, like I did, is what humbles me about leaving.

It's Not About You For Once

You never even took the time to get to know me, because you were too busy trying to get me to constantly focus on you.

Back To Me

You sent me text messages calling me disgusting names and saying "you're nothing, you're not that special", because I would not take your calls when you were being verbally abusive, and trying to control every moment of my life. 

Then the next moment, an ex-boyfriend sent me a text, after well over a year of being apart, saying "I love the core of who you are.  I love you unconditionally.".

Those words lingered in the moment... "the core of you"... 

I Am Not Afraid

I will not be afraid to create a wonderful life, with a good, strong man that understands equality, give and take, assertiveness without aggression, compromise without loss, communication without an agenda of selfishness.  I will not be bitter.  I know that my man, my Lord, my King, that man that earns respect, not demands it, will find me soon...

What Should Be Crazy

Passion is the only thing that should be crazy!

The Meaning of Kelly

Dear Kelly:
The first letter of your name is (K). It means that:
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it`s all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you`re being appreciated.

The Only Way An Abusive Man Achieves Real Change

"The abusive man's belief that his own needs should come ahead of his partner's is at the core of his problem.  Therefore when anyone, including therapists, tells an abusive man that he should change because that's what's best for him, they are inadvertently feeding his selfish focus on himself:  You can't simultaneously contribute to a problem and solve it.  Abusive men who make lasting changes are the ones who do so becuase they realize how badly they are hurting their partners and children - in other words, because they learn to care about what is good for others and develop empathy, instead of caring only about themselves."  - Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does He Do That'.

What I've Learned

Back to happy-go-lucky, fun, laughing, rockin', writing, singing, riding, cookin', loving, giving, caring, creative, fabulous ME!  I will never again give up all of the good things, that are me, nor will I be bitter or angry from being used.  I will never again sink down to an abuser's level and allow myself to be manipulated.

Final Hour

I loved you just too much

you owned my emotions
Devoted completly

you had me

I couldn't see
No one else

by myself

I remained

through the pain
You were all that mattered

but now I know there's better

So I walked away

while it rained down my face
I turned away

from the pain of hurting me

I gave you

full control

my mind my

body soul
You gave me
confusion,

delusion,

untruthful,

unfaithful

Weighed down

my self-esteem
Never again

will I give

my power

to be me

and be free
Now I see

- Final Hour by Vivian Green

Riding

There's nothing like it on the right bike, with the right guy, at the right moment. 

It feels like flying lower to the ground, faster and smoother than being on a horse. 

Everything seems possible, and all is more tangible on a motorcycle. 

Smells seem sweeter, the sky seems brighter, and I feel more alive.

(I won't let him ruin these memories, as hard as he tried)  

Secrets

Broken Dreams

I collapsed in his arms and said "tell me a story, you know so many of them".  He looked at me squarely for a moment and said "there was this guy, who met this girl, and he fell in love with her the moment that he saw her.  And they never fought.  And they were awesome, and went out all the time and had fun, and had four kids, and he looked at her twenty years later, the same way he did that first night".

Then I drove home trying to remember every word of that story, and I cried for the first time since we broke up.

The Root Of The Problem

"Your problem isn't that you lose control of yourself, it's that you take control of your partner.  In order to change, you don't need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her."  - Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does He Do That'.

Abuse Tactics

"I notice when he focuses on her, most of what he thinks about is what she can do for him, not the other way around.  But he's not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough.  He believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing." 

Then he'll turn around and say that you are the one who cannot be pleased.  "The abuser's highly entitled perceptual system causes him to mentally reverse aggression and self-defense.  The lens of entitlement the abuser holds over his eye stands everything on its head, like the reflection in a spoon."  - Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does He Do That'.

Objectification Is Not Love

I used to think that he was so mean, because he really didn't love himself.  How naive of me!  In the end, I realize that he's the only person that he's ever really loved. 

He disrespects women, and considers himself superior to them.  His objectification of women, makes it easy for him to say the revolting things that come out of his mouth.  This is what abuser's do.  They reach for the words that they know are most disturbing to women, such as bitch, whore and cunt, often preceded by the word fat.  These words assault her humanity, reducing her to an animal, a nonliving object, or a degraded sexual body part.  These words carry a force that feels like constant violence, making a woman feel debased and unsafe.  Then the next moment he switches gears, confusing her and making her feel like the crazy one, by proclaiming his love and how much he adores her body and wants to make love to her, after he has sufficiently reduced her with his ranting. 

"Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time.  As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty, he builds to the next.  By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience.  He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist. These walls tend to grow over time, so that after a few years in a relationship they reach a point where they feel no more guilt over degrading or threatening their partners than you or I would feel after angrily kicking a stone in the driveway."  - Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does He Do That'.

Goals

For The Man That Deserves My Respect and Everlasting Love

Lo, there

I see my father

and mother

Lo, there I see
my ancestors

sitting in paradise

Paradise is so beautiful

So green

I see my Lord

and his men

Bring me to him

-Viking Maiden's Prayer

Never Again

Jealous, controlling, possessive, manipulative, lying, cheating, abusive men: stay the fuck away from me!

An Abuser's Behavior

"He has to adhere tightly to his excuses and rationalizations, develop a disturbing ability to insulate himself from the pain he is causing and learn to enjoy power and control over his female partners.  It is unrealistic to expect such a complex structure, one that takes fifteen or twenty years to form, to vanish like steam. 

An abuser learns manipulative and controlling behavior from several different sources, including key male role models, peers, and pervasive cultural messages.  By the time he reaches adulthood, he has integratred manipulative behavior to such a deep level that he acts largely on automatic.  He knows exactly what he's doing, but not necissarily why."

"I have yet to meet an abuser who has made any meaningful and lasting changes in his behaivor towards female partners through therapy, regardless of how much "insight" - most of it false - that he may have gained.  The fact is that if an abuser finds a particularly skilled therapist and if the therapy is especially successful, when he is finishes he will be a happy, well-adjusted abuser - good news for him, perhaps, but not so much for his partner.  Psychotherapy can be very valuable for the issues it is devised to address, but partner abuse is not one of them; an abusive man need to be in a specialized abuser's program."  - Lundy Bancroft, 'Why Does He Do That'.

With that being said, I cannot waste a lifetime, being treated like shit, on a man that will never be able to have a normal relationship, or even know what normal is.  He shouldn't be married, he should be studied! 

It's just a sad story for a guy, that met a girl, and fell in love with her the moment that he saw her... But it was just a story, like he said... wasn't it?

You Lie To Me...

You lie to me, you die to me.

-Steve Santagati