Psycho Ex's

It never ceases to amaze me how little concern is payed to women who are stalked by their ex-boyfriends.  I often think of Nicole Simpson, and how she knew that O.J. was going to eventually kill her.  She lived with that fear every day.  She knew, that she could not move on with her life, because her premature death was staring her right in the face, and she knew he would get away with it!  It was as if she just accepted her fate and simply braced herself for it.  This happens because restraining orders are a joke, and I've even personally had police deputies tell me, "well it might just make him madder".  What a helpless feeling it is, knowing that the law will not protect you.  I have had my mailbox bashed in, I've been manipulated with a gun and with a guy having nervous breakdowns when I tried to end a relationship.  I've been harassed for months on end with voice and text messages.  I've had my sliding glass door smashed in with an axe.  I've slept with my hand gun for weeks at a time, or not slept, and just patrolled my property in the middle of the night after hearing a noise.  And this is just a taste of what millions of women go through from having psycho ex-boyfriends.

From my own experience, these men are always guys "from the neighborhood".  They are guys that your friends know, who "would never do anything like that".  Upon speaking out; instead of being concerned for, I am being bullied.   What I'm finding is that guys, really don't know their friends very well when it comes to the relationship side of their personalities.  Girlfriends get all of the bullshit, psycho insecurities that their guy friends never see.  Where are the real men?  Where are the champions of women's safety??

No Drama Momma

Even though I'm in my thirties, my momma still calls me almost every day to make sure that I'm wearing my seat belt and locking my car doors.  As I answer her same questions with an annoyed sigh, I have to admit, it feels good to be concerned about.  I know that she absolutely lives for her three children, and worries about us all the time, but with us still, she can almost always see the humor in our situations.  She never lets me, ever feel sorry for myself, or take the little things too seriously.  What would I do without her unconditional love, especially when it comes to dealing with me and men?  She cuts through bullshit like a hot knife through butter.  According to her, it's because 'she's been bullshitted by the best of 'em'.

The other day I was talking to her about a guy, and I forwarded her an email from him that made me sad, but she started laughing her ass off at the part where he was bossin' me around!  She proceeded to declare that this guy was waaay too dramatic for his own good.  And she knows, that I know, that it ain't no good when a man is more dramatic than our own selves.  I was on the Stairmaster at the gym when she was reading it, as I was talking to her, and she was busting a gut, and then I started laughing so hard I lost my footing and almost fell off the damn thing.  Now I know why they have six handlebars on 'em.

In those moments of everyone in the gym staring at me for laughing so loudly, and almost busting my ass, I realized I was amid a great gift in my life.  A gift of laughter and light-hearted wisdom from my momma.  I realized that the universe has done me sooo many favors on this broken, adventurous road of singledom, and that I'm not really alone on it, because my momma is holding my hand, and believes in me... and is also waiting for me to become rich and famous so that I can support her... 

Thank you for supporting my writing momma, I love you... you are most certainly the definition of a best friend.

The "Scarlett O'Hara"

G.R.I.T.S., or Girls Raised In The South, usually have the patience of saints when it comes to our men.  We know they will do stupid things, and we forgive 'em all the time, because we just love 'em like big ole teddy bears anyway, and we like to choose our battles, not nag. 

However in return, most southern men, know how far they can go before they'd better stop and think twice, or else they will incur the wrath of a southern woman. It's a frightening transformation to see such a sweet and patient woman, have a home-grown-bonified-hand-to-God-hissy-fit.  When she feels the sting of her good will being taken advantage of, watch out.  She will retaliate with the wrath of God, and maybe a firearm. 

I had just such a fit about a month ago when my boyfriend decided to disappear to Bike Week on me for three days without notice.  I was even supposed to meet up with him on one of those days, and was all excited, and he stood me up.  I was worried sick about him, and do you know what that scoundrel did when I called his momma worried about his sorry ass?  He got mad.  And, I got madder. 

My momma calls it our "Scarlett O'Hara", when this happens.  I remember the few and rare times when she "Pulled A Scarlett" when I was growing up.  It was quite frightening, froze us all in our tracks, and left us wide-eyed and wondering what the hell had just happened.  It's when we just get so mad that we raise our hand to God, just like Scarlett did in Gone With The Wind, when she was starving to death after the war, and she grabbed a fistful of dirt from her land, held it up to the sky and said "By God, I will never go hungry again!".  And we believed that, when Scarlett said it!  You knew that that woman was going to survive! 

Well needless to say, I got so daggone mad, I raised my hand to God and said "By God, you will never do this to me again!".  All kinds of truth started flying outta me, like a tornado coming down, that he was not prepared for.  Things that won't register in his mind until years from now.  Could I have kept these truths to myself and breathed into a brown paper bag for three days instead? Yes.  Would I have him now, if I had handled it differently?  Yes.  But who wants to be with a man that just up and disappears on you and then doesn't even have the manners to explain himself?  No, it's better to be Scarlett, and have nothing left in this world, except my pride, integrity and the will to go on.  Amen.

Gerard Butler Is Stalking Me

Okay, well maybe not stalking, but really freaking me out. 

So the man is drop dead gorgeous and manly, and has the same last name as one of my all time most favorite characters, Rhett Butler from beautiful Charleston, SC (coincidence? I think not!).  Anyway, yes Gerard is beautiful, thank ya Lawd.  I recently used his picture as an example of a gorgeous man in a kilt, in my post Men In Kilts.  Then he comes out with this movie, The Bounty Hunter, with Jennifer Aniston, who I have been told is my celebrity "twin" in personality, attitude, a little in looks, and general fabulousness.  So, I kind of feel like my girl, Jen, is dating Gerard in my place, in some "parallel universe" sort of way.  I know, shut up. 

So the other night, I had a dream about him.  A very long, drawn out *clearing throat*, sensual dream.  Then I woke up, went outside to get the mail, and right there on the cover of a copy of Architectural Digest, of which I did not subscribe to, is Gerard Butler staring at me with those smoldering eyes.  I kind of froze, then proceeded to read the article, of him and his maaaaagnificent home, that looks like an urban castle, fit for a King.  Now I'm on aesthetic overload.  Seeing this gorgeous man sitting in this gorgeous house is too much.
 
Then last night, I was thinking on all of this and writing, and I had the television on just in the background, not tuned to any particular channel, and I am not kidding, suddenly he appears in the movie that's on.  It was called Van Helsing 2000, or something like that.  He keeps popping up everywhere! 

So, universe: if it is meant to be that I must be with Gerard Butler, then fine, *sigh*, if I must, I shall.  In the mean time, I'll let Jennifer take my place and prep him for me.  Gerard honey, your Queen is waiting!

Thank You Steve

So my last break up was pretty tough, except for the fact that I was fairly smart, and protected my heart and took it slow.  Anyway, I was very mad at myself for being so foolish, because I got totally "worked" by this guy.  Yes, I admit it *types harder while gritting teeth*.  However, being the proactive, jilted and totally fed-up girl that I was, I contacted the most well known "bad boy" in America, the gorgeous and smart author of The Manual, Steve Santagati (yes, that's him on the cover).



The night I contacted Steve, I was licking my wounds and somehow ingested a bottle of wine all by myself... and I glanced over at his book on my cocktail table... and I realized that I needed to talk to Steve immediately.  So, I emailed him and proceeded to tell him what a fool I felt like.  Now realize, I'm completely drunk and emailing this totally hot, famous guy that I've never met before, who gets a thousand emails from chicks a week. I told him about how I let this guy totally play me and text me too much, and it all exploded in my face.  I cried myself to sleep, then woke up the next morning to an email from Steve!  And I thought, 'oh shiiiiit, what did I say?!!  Oh my God, I have hate mail from Steve Santagati'.  So I reluctantly opened this email and Steve had written back some wise and witty advice to me, and was funny and not mad at all.  Whew.

His advice shall not be repeated here, as it is special to my heart, and it helps me keep this fantasy in my mind that Steve and I had a very personal encounter slash intimate moment.  Hey, it's my email, get your own.

Anyway, I do so doubt myself sometimes when I shouldn't, and I temporarily had forgotten how brilliant I can be when I'm inebriated just enough.  I read the email back that I had sent to him, and as sad as it was for me at the time, I had to admit, in the light of a new day, it was kind of funny.  So, I had to keep it up, right?  I couldn't email Steve back and say 'oh, I'm sorry, I was a little drunk last night when I wrote that'.  That would be totally lame.  So, we had a couple more emails back and forth, and *sigh*, I felt much better that I had America's smartest bad boy on my side.  He had nothing to gain from emailing me back, so, it really did make me feel better.

If I ever meet Steve, I will kindly thank him.  And Steve, if you ever read this (long shot, I know but I did tell him that I refer to his book material on this), I never got to thank you for your free advice, so thank you.  You sewed a couple of stitches in this bad girl's torn heart, gave me some hope, and I'm back on top baby.

Side note here: Of course when I looked up the image for Steve Santagati's book for this post, guess who's picture popped right up there, in a picture, hanging out with Steve?  Well Gerard Butler, of course!  I told you!  (See above post: Gerard Butler Is Stalking Me). 

For The Ladies: Instant Summertime Girlie

Oh how a change of the seasons reminds me of how much fun it is to be a girl sometimes.  Feeling feminine is so important when going out on a date.  Being a single gal, sometimes it's hard to allow yourself to remain a picture of girlish vulnerability when you are being dicked around left and right.  Instead of putting bows in our hair, we feel like we should be putting a freakin' flak vest on underneath of our outfits.  Alas, there is balance in the universe, and as men are challenged with being masculine and sensitive at the same time, we women, are also challenged with being tough and delicate, rolled up into one pretty package.  We have to get right back up on that horse, after being bucked off, and try not to beat ourselves up too badly for falling, and that includes letting any bitterness go, and having fun.  Because dammit, girls don't just wanna have fun, we need to have fun to save our sanity!

Here are some of my favorite summertime accessories that you can add to your own wardrobe that will make you feel so girlie, you'll be giggling and sayin' "I do declare" all the way to your dating destination:

• A Bow In Your Hair.  Don't laugh, it's true.  There is nothing more girlie than putting a bow in your hair. As Jill Conner Browne says "it's almost the equivalent of putting a crown on the top of your head".  Pull your hair into an up-do, and wrap a ribbon loosely around the base of where you've secured your hair.  Let your hair fall around the ribbon so that it's all intertwined.  It's very sweet, and will make an ordinary outfit feel special, for the price of a half a yard of ribbon.  Then commence to prancing around, tilting your head and smiling.  
• Put A Real Flower In Your Hair.  I wear a flower in my hair every year on the first day of spring.  It feels and smells so fresh and gives you that feeling of a connection with the outdoors, and the changing seasons, and I swear to the Lawd, it literally makes you bat your eyelashes.  It's inexpensive, traditional and beautiful, and so ultra-feminine, you'll want to find a sundress and a tree swing, and a cute boy to push you, asap.
• Carry A Hand Fan.  This is a very underrated fashion statement that I am bringing back into style.  That's right, little ole me, one summer at a time, and you heard it here.  Young women these days usually don't have the grace or confidence to use a hand fan, and I just don't understand it.  They are beautiful and practical.  Instead of finding a magazine to fan yourself with when you're "perspirin'" as my grandmother would say, keep a beautiful, folding hand fan in your purse.  Or don't.  Sweat your ass off, I don't care.
• Wear A Sun Hat Instead Of A Baseball Cap.  That's unless you're going to a sporting event, of course.  But if you're going to the beach, or to a park, wear a simple, full coverage sun hat.  They add instant sophistication and femininity, not to mention they keep the back of your neck from getting sun burnt.  And you can close your eyes and pretend you're Jackie O, on a yacht, somewhere in the Mediterranean.  Just remember, you can look haughty, but don't get haughty! 
• A Silk Corsage.  Yes, just like SJP (Sarah Jessica Parker, above).  Just look at the picture, no explanation is needed.  Gorgeous and feminine.  I do declare, I don't think this will ever go out of style.
• Put Your Hair In Pigtails Or Braids.  Now this can be tricky, and is not for the fashionably clueless.  You need the right balance so that you don't look like a fourth-grader.  Keep your make-up simple, keep it sporty, and keep 'em low.

Have a wonderful spring time!

For The Guys: Men With Hats

A man that can pull off wearing a hat, has an instant advantage with women.  A man that wears a hat has confidence, mystery, looks smart, and yet becomes more approachable.  Your guy friends might tease you at first, but they'll get used to it once they see all of the female attention that it draws.  And when the ladies start asking about your lid,  be funny, and don't talk about how you never wear one, but thought you'd try it tonight, and where you got it, blah, blah, blah.  Now listen to me, I'm not talking about a damn baseball cap to cover your bald spot, I'm talking about an old-fashioned, honest to goodness hat like a newsboy cap (shown on Gavin Degraw above), a fedora or trilby (shown on Justin Timberlake), a beanie (shown on Jessie Metcalfe above, one of my personal favorites), a cowboy hat (shown on Bret Michaels above), or even a jazzy porkpie hat (shown on the unnamed man above) .  All handsome, all intriguing, all good.
Gentlemen, there's a hat for everyone.  Put in in your dating arsenal, and try it!

Compliments

When I post my writing on this site, it is a culmination of my thoughts and experiences, and all of the many discussions that I have with my girlfriends, and the feedback they give me, from our collective experiences.  It's just me talking, it's just a few girls' points of view, but, I'm a girl, and, if you're a single guy, I'm telling you our secrets, so listen up.

So this weekend, I gave this guy that I went out with twice another chance to wow me.  He was tall and cute, but was a pretty quiet guy, and I thought maybe it was just because he was a little nervous or something, I wasn't quite sure.  So, I was all dolled up and ready to chit chat and flirt, but once again, like the other times, this man had not one compliment for me.  I mean, I knew that he didn't have much to say generally anyway, but after two other dates and then me showing up again for just a chat, I thought that he would have at least a "wow, you look beautiful tonight", but no. Nothing.  Nada.  And for the record, I did look really cute dammit.

So, there wasn't much discussion, and I wasn't ready to go home, so I decided that he must not be that into me, or couldn't handle me, and so I made my own fun.  And lo and behold, the universe put before me an adorable, big, strappin', singing southern boy, without a ring on, and with a Jack Daniels delivery shirt on, and sideburns (so retro).  Yes, score!  So, I looked up to the sky and said thank you Lord, and proceeded to make my presence known.  And know what,  this new guy complimented me.  The first thing he said was, "Wow, you're beautiful, look at you.  Do not leave".  And ya know what, even if he was lying, or just wanted to get laid, I didn't care!  I was just happy to finally be, being paid attention to and being made to feel like a woman.

I hear this from my girlfriends as well.  They will go out with a guy that they are into, and then they report back to the rest of us that they have this uneasy feeling, because he never compliments her.

Gentlemen, we ladies, need compliments like you men need your jokes to be laughed at.  We need to hear that our efforts of taking the time to look nice, are appreciated by the opposite sex.  It's the simplist thing to do, and when done with sincerity and moderation, has great effects on a man's love life.

Spring Fever

Spring is here again, and just like every year, I've got major Spring Fever!  The sun is shining, the birds are gathering for their nests, the bees are pollenating and everyone is horny.  There is such an energy in the air that I find myself smiling from ear to ear, for absolutely no reason other than the warm breeze on my face, and a great song on the radio.