When A Man Loves A Woman

I know that a man truly loves me and can handle me, when he just holds my face and sweetly, but firmly, tells me to snap the fuck out of it, when I freak out.  It's the strangest, most calming thing.  It's the equivalent of putting an alligator in a trance, by putting it on its back, and rubbing its belly.  He's looking into my eyes, and completely acknowledging my freak-out, but not absorbing it.  It is very 'yin' fulfilling, and it really does snap me right out of it to know that he's a rock and is allowing me to have my weak moment, but still loves me.  And I know that I'll be his rock at his weak moment, whenever it may come.  When he needs me to be strong, I'll be there.

Bad Boys & Bad Girls: We Always Come Out On Top

When it comes to bad boys and bad girls, well take it from me, it takes one to know one.  The dynamic between bad boys and bad girls always reminds me of an old Stevie Nicks song called The Highwayman:

"Alas, he was the highway man, the one that comes and goes. 
And only the highway woman, keeps up with the likes of those. 
And she, in all her magic, with hands as quick as light,
Took him to be a challenge, and went into the night". 

Here's a great article about "the likes of us", by Steve Santagati, author of The MANual.

Take the rudimentary elements of bad boys and bad girls and apply them to anything in life and you will see that we come out on top more often than we loose [no one wins 100% of the time].



As being bad refers to:

Relationships:

Bad Boys and Girls play by our own set of rules with dignity and grace. The outcome is romance, passion, and excitement. When we reach a time and are ready to settle into a monogamous relationship we are more capable and prepared to be loyal than 95% of the men or women who claim to not be "bad" and who want marriage and kids. Do you understand that analogy? I mean, bad boys and girls are FREE to get other mates and you would think that temptation would be overwhelming but we choose to be loyal because we're satisfied and have sewn our oats BEFORE we declared our loyalty to another. Many of the people who are hell bent on marriage are living a lie and would be more likely to stray when the "matrimonial / delusional veil" is finally lifted. A bad boy or bad girl in a solid relationship is unfettered. You get it? This is a high.

Social:

BBs and BGs are the social organizers, the ring leaders, yet they prefer to travel solo. We are magnets for people who want to live vicariously through our adventures or who are trying to "dethrone" us. It can be a lot of work being "bad". Women and men are jealous, that simple. However, being bad means we get to walk into a social setting and own the room, feel in control in our environment, and skim the cream off the event. BBs and BGs socialize well. This is a high.


Companionship:

This can be a low. BBs and BGs often spend nights and days alone because we don't settle for mediocrity in the mates we choose or the friends we maintain. After all, the more you are aware of in life, the smarter you are, the more lonely and isolated you can feel. The world, or so it seems, is monopolized by people who have bought into the "package deal", people who are clueless and BBs and BGs find it extremely difficult to relate to these folks. Fair warning, people who think marriage and children are a fool proof way to secure companionship in their twilight years are often sorely mistaken.
When I was in my hay day of being "bad" [ in my late 20's] I woke most days with the excitement of an explorer embarking on a new adventure. I was figuring out women [by dating tons of them], having fun, winning and losing in love, and smiling all the while. I would play practical jokes, laugh, sing, get drunk, make out, travel, cry, do stupid and dangerous things, and sleep like a baby. That spirit is still coursing through my veins and being"bad" is not a conscience effort, it's second nature . The smallest challenge will make it ignite and I take no prisoners. I'm not suggesting that everyone can be a full blown bad boy or bad girl but there is definitely some ingredients you could take out of our methodology to improve your life. So, can you break a bad boy? Does a Zebra change it's stripes? No, you will not break a bad boy or bad girl nor would you want to but BBs and BGs do fall in love and they give you the very best of who they are if you're the right woman. You will NEVER feel more loved if you are with a true bad boy or bad girl.

By Steve Santagati
http://askstevessantagati.typepad.com/ask_steve_santagati/2010/03/breaking-bad.html

You Need Fucking Help

Accountability

Who Wants To Be My Baby Daddy?!!

When I was fourteen years old, my baby brother was born.  My mother was very ill and slept about sixteen hours a day, and when she was awake, she just stared into space.  My father worked double shifts constantly and when he was home, I fed him and he went to bed.  So I took care of my new baby brother, my other little brother and my daddy.  So, by the time that I was eighteen and left home, I wanted nothing to do with having a baby, I'd had my fill.  I took my birth control religiously for fifteen years, paranoid about having an "accident", even after I was married. 
Well now, here we are in 2010, and I'm in my late thirties, and thinking "shit, I never had a baby".  Do you hear that crackling noise?  It's my ovaries drying up!  I can feel my body changing.  I'm not interested in getting hammered drunk anymore, I'm no longer excited to sleep with guys just for the fun of it (not even the cougar chasers, sorry guys), and... I'm seriously looking into becoming a foster parent that leads to adoption. 
My mother has been well and fabulous for many years now, and I was talking to her yesterday and told her that since my last relationship failed (I had really thought he was finally the one), that I'm going to seriously look into adoption now.  She's usually very supportive of my dilemas and decisions of "singledom", so I was suprised to hear her say "Kelly, why don't you just have a baby with a friend?".  I laughed and said "huh?".  She said "Yeah, just get a friend to do it with you".  So, how does this conversation go with my unawares friend, I wonder?  I call them up on day and say "Hey, I was thinking about having a baby, you wanna be my babie's daddy?"  I wonder if there are other women that are thinking this.  I think I feel a new trend coming on!

Girls, Horses & Vampires

I hear people talk a lot about adolescent male sexuality, and now we all know that the reason that a lot of guys didn't want to go to the chalkboard in school was because they had boners in the middle of class.  But rarely do I hear people talking or joking about adolescent female sexuality.  (Thank God that one of the few benefits of being female meant that being horny didn't prevent us from walking in public). 

Alas, adolescent female sexuality was a long labrynth of confusion, excitement and fear.  And then came vampires.  I'm not talking about Twilight, I'm talking about vampires before vampires were cool.  Before Twilight there was Frank Langella, who made being a vampire sexy for the first time, in my opinion. My best friend and I would watch Frank Langella's Dracula, The Lost Boys, Company of Wolves, and reruns of Dark Shadows over and over, soon discovering why our loins would ache during the sexually charged scenes.

For the first part of high school, I was still a tomboy, and just wanted to be outside with either my daddy or big, strong horses.  I wasn't quite ready to give into my bodies sexual signals just yet, as my best friend Lisa was.  Lisa was a gentle and feminine creature who was obsessed with vampires, and more ready to allow herself to submit to male sexual dominance than I was.  She and I were both thirteen when we started hanging out.  Our bodies were changing and we were able to confide to each other what was happening, and how we were feeling about boys.  And later, Lisa and I both, made darn sure that we got boyfriends that understood our adolescent need for "first submission" and romaticism, fueled by these movies. 

My point in writing this though, is that it's timeless, isn't it?  Girls take to horses first, then possibly vampires, or some other symbol of male dominance, and then guys is high school.  It seems to be a cyclical progression as far as I can see, with the emergence of the teen-focused movie, Twilight. This movie has become so popular that even grown women are panting over it, which makes me chuckle, because I betcha those were the same girls that made fun of me and Lisa for being "vampish" all of those years (we didn't have the word 'goth' back then).  Well, I guess a girl's got to get it out of her system at some point.  *giggling*  It's amazing that what Lisa and I were actually told was quite forbidden in high school, is now all the rage in school's all over the country!   

True Intimacy, by Dr. Neil, PhD

Time and time again, people tell me they are not experiencing real intimacy in their relationships. Sex? Yes. True intimacy? No. They long for a soul connection, a deep, tender love, a satisfying and fulfilling sexual love. They long for a deeper level of communication, not just the chatter of everyday life.


Seeking Communion

Human beings are hardwired to seek a deep love connection with another human being. I call this deep level of connection we all seek “communion.” And communication is the key to keeping us moving in an upward direction toward communion.

When you meet someone, you begin to form a connection by talking with each other. That’s communication. As you talk and listen, you get to know each other. As you get to know each other, you find you like each other. And since you like each other, you want to communicate even more. That is how the upward spiral toward communion begins.

Communication is the key because it is the only part of the process you have any control over. You can’t just decide you’re going to know someone better. You can’t just decide you’re going to like someone. The only decision under control is whether or not you communicate with them.

Accepting Your Partner, Warts and All

While it is true that good communication is the key to moving toward communion, we need to look more deeply into the roots of intimacy. True love is not that all-too-familiar but temporary state called infatuation. Infatuation fades over time. True, intimate love deepens over time.

The foundation of true love is acceptance. Can you accept your partner for who he or she is, warts and all? Acceptance of each other is and always has been the basis for love. Intimate love can’t flourish without it.

When a couple is in trouble in their relationship, at least one of them is probably having difficulty in accepting something in the other. Nonacceptance leads to criticism, judgment, and damaged communication. Nonacceptance provides the road map to alienation.

Accepting the reality of your partner’s shortcomings doesn’t mean you have to like all aspects of that reality. But accepting reality, whatever it is, is the bedrock of good mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. And accepting the reality of your partner is the bedrock of a good relationship.

Your partner’s behavior and its effects on you are both parts of reality. So if your reality is that your partner’s behavior is hurting you, it would be unhealthy to pretend otherwise. You need to communicate this reality with your partner. Do it without judgment, but do it.

Accepting Yourself As You Are

Before leaving a relationship, or for that matter, before entering one, answer this: How completely do you accept yourself? Your inability to accept as reality something in another usually stems from difficulty you have in accepting the reality of who you are and what you are like.

Do you consciously give yourself permission to experience and be responsible for your actions, feelings, and emotions? Do you do this without putting yourself down? Can you be conscious of and be okay with your thoughts, feelings, and behavior, even when you don’t particularly like the reality of some shortcomings you see in yourself?

True self-acceptance is based in consciousness of reality, whatever it is. If you tend to be a bit judgmental, for example, your easiest course would be to deny it and remain unconscious of it. Being conscious might be uncomfortable because as you come to accept who you are, you might decide you have to change and be less judgmental. That might be difficult and uncomfortable. It would be much easier to remain unconsciously judgmental.

Your road map to personal change is self-acceptance because it is based in consciousness of reality. Self-acceptance pays huge dividends in self-esteem and freedom. If you can fully accept yourself, it is easy to accept others. Then your entering or leaving a relationship is guided by the reality of the relationship itself, not by your need to avoid consciousness of things you might not like in yourself.

When both you and your partner can consciously accept yourselves and accept each other, it is possible for love with true intimacy to flourish and grow over the years.

** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways2.html.

Author's Bio
Neill Neill, PhD, RPsych, D-CEP, maintains an active psychology practice on Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. In addition to serving the needs of his clients in their psychological and spiritual healing and growth, he is Consulting Psychologist to the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, a residential alcohol and drug treatment facility for men (http://www.SunshineCoastHealthCentre.com). Dr. Neill is a columnist, speaker, and author of a new self-help work, Living with an Alcoholic: Dr. Neill’s Survival Guide for Women (http://www.living-with-an-alcoholic.com). For a free copy of his e-book, Codependency and Addiction, visit http://www.neillneill.com.

Crush #1

Ah, we never forget our first crush, do we? Mine was Bo Duke. He was so hot, yet was innocent enough to not really know it. He was tall, helpful, humble and had the cutest butt. He was breaking the law, but in a very Robin Hood-ish way, for the good of the people an' all. The people of Hazard that is (where I actually do have "people" by the way). I would sit six inches from our television and watch the Dukes religiously, when my mother announced one evening "I believe Kelly has a crush on Bo Duke"! Well I most certainly did. In fact, I think I still have a crush on Bo Duke. I did name my favorite.. well nevermind.  Have you seen the man lately?  John Schneider is still hot!  Damn, I had good taste even when I was seven years old!  Who was your first crush? 

Speaking With Silence

As children we use non-verbal language as a way of communication.  We have to guess what a child wants, when they cannot speak for themselves.  As we grow up, we learn to articulate our feelings, and what we want, some people more than others. 

So what do you do, when you find yourself in a relationship with someone who will not, or can not verbally communicate their feelings as an adult?  In relationships, it's our responsiblity to communicate to our partner what is going on in our heads, unless of course, you are dating a mind-reader.  Lack of verbal communication leads to a lot of destructive assuming.  And assuming sabotages true intimacy.  Without healthy communication, you can find yourself in a relationship where the other person has one foot out the door, if you don't make the coffee right.  The other person might try to convince you that this is a safe place to be, and you can open your heart to them, when in fact, it is not. 

Without real communication we lose accountibility for our actions, reverting right back to a child-like or developmentally arrested, way of communicating.  And when a man does this, we call them a "man-child".  They want to be understood, but refuse to try to understand their partner. 

The thing that I find so puzzling, is that men that I have dated, that do this destructive assuming, are very driven and successful in their occupations, where they are forced to communicate thoroughly with all kinds of people.  Maybe the key word there is 'forced'.  Maybe they feel rebellious and triumphant when they allow themselves to act irresponsibly within their personal relationships, especially with a woman.  In other words, the "I don't owe you an explanation" attitude.  This is typical "bad boy shit-testing", and it usually works for them on women who are not confident enough to speak up for themselves and say "you are not going to treat me like this".  However, the burn is that those women quickly bore bad boys, and they are off to find another woman that is more fiesty, exciting and more of a challenge.  In turn, this really sucks for strong women who refuse to be treated as if they don't matter because it can throw, what I call, the Relationship Potential vs. Break-up Reason Ratio off skew.  Meaning, a relationship can have incredible potential in every single way except one thing, however that one thing (insert lack of communication here), is a deal breaker, if your partner doesn't care to work on it.  Therefore the Relationship Potential vs. Break-up Reason Ratio is around a 90/10.  And that my friends, is a huge bummer!  It's one thing to be dicked over, which is no fun, but being dicked over for no good reason, well that just sucks.   

Jesse's Mistress: Bad Boy Gone Wrong (or WTF Jesse?)

Well, here we go again.  Since this blog is more bad boy focused, I never found the need to write about the infidelities of a raging geek with money, like Tiger Woods.  But alas, Jesse James has ventured into my territory.  Please take a close look at what has become of one of my previously favorite bad boys.  Above is a picture of his new mistress.  Yes, that is a huge tattoo across her forehead.  (Please allow a moment to let that sink in).  Let me say it again:  a-HUGE-tattoo-across-her-forehead!

How do you go from Janine Lindemulder and Sandra Bullock to this?!  And not only is Sandra Bullock hot, she's funny.  Okay, let's pretend that we can forget about the tattoo across this chick's face (as if).  Here's the bonus: she has "sharpie" eyebrows!  

We're talking about a bad boy that has major pull on chicks here.  He could have gotten any hot chick he wanted, surely.  He's got old-school good looks, money, power, and not to mention the fact that he's quite handy (huge bad boy bonus).  I guess this is the crazy shit that can go down when you leave your spouse alone for long enough (Sandra was shooting a film at the time of Jesse's indiscretion).  Did he just want to see what it was like to fuck a cartoon?  I don't know what else to say.  WTF Jesse? 

Do Not Do This

This picture was taken by a friend of mine at a club last weekend.  I can't believe these guys all went out like this after looking at each other.  This is a 'Jersey Boys' nightmare.  Jesus, they are even all in the same colors.  The back of their shirts should each say "I am the most uninteresting, obnoxious person you will ever meet".

Chains

photo courtesy of: theinspirationroom.com/.../jag-jeans-hand-tools/

It's men like you

That have created

Women like me

The deafening silence

The unanswered questions

I have been here before

Waiting on a man 

That I cannot count on

Covered in chains

Breathing in water

Struggling for air and reasons

Paralyzed by the momentum of your abandonment

Blind-sided by your anger

Shell-shocked by my feelings

-Kelly

Daddy's Girl

My dad & me at the zoo around 1977

As young girls, we generally don't know what kind of a man our fathers are.  We don't know if they're assholes, if they are bad husbands, bad friends or just bad people in general, as long as they are fairly good fathers to us.  But trust me when I tell you, that we grow up and find out.

It took me about thirty years to realize that my father was a good dad, but a terrible spouse.  I spent a lot of time with my dad, after he decided to be there, when I was growing up.   I was his little "hot-rod buddy".  We would go to "rod run's" together, and he would let me sit in his lap and drive.  He would show me the differences between and old Chevy and an old Ford by certain angles of the car body.  Once he embraced fatherhood, he was really good at it, and we had a lot of fun.  He was a god to me, I worshipped all that was daddy, and always wanted to be with him.  He would let me steal candy from the stores and not make me go back and apologize like mom did.  He would buy me slim jims and cokes and we would hit the road!  He would ask me to hold lights for him in the garage and I would duck for cover when he cussed and threw wrenches.  I always wanted to help, but mostly just got in the way, and he would let me.  He was strong and silent.  I watched the way women would flirt with him, when we were out, and how aloof he seemed. 

I see him today, without the illusions of my youth.  I see him for the man that he is, good and bad.  I realize now that he showed me what a man looks like in a relationship.  How they show up to other women, not just to me.  I realize now that he wanted to be a good person in front of me, but not so much in front of my mother.  And I wonder now, now that I'm grown and I know about the other women, what did he used to say to them?  Did he tell them he would call?  Did he say pretty words to them and act chivilrous?  Did he go out and have fun with them, have sex, break their hearts, and then come home to tuck me in?  Of course, I still love him, however he will never know how clearly I see now, how much his detachment and lack of communication with my mother, has affected my own love life. 

Yet with all of his flaws, I still love and accept him for who he is, and in turn, hopefully I can accept myself, with all of my own flaws, as simply still, just daddy's girl.

Erin Go Bragh!

So St. Paddy's Day is smack dab in the middle of the week this year, but I still can't help being excited about it.  It's in my blood.  As my friend Ken would say "it's the Irish New Year!".  And there will be no Irish Car Bombs for me this year (see blog post: Blackout Drinking).  I'm actually looking forward to laying my head on my pillow at the end of the evening this year, and not fearing the hangover of the next day, not to mention all of the people I would have pissed off.  As an update, I've been going out with friends as per usual, and doing well with not drinking too much, and I feel good about it.  No, I feel great about it.  After the previously documented Blackout Drinking episode, I remember a boyfriend saying to me "Yeah, you do fine as long as you don't drink too much around single guys", and I thought to myself "Are you kidding?  I don't need to be drinking like that ever again in my life, around anyone!".  I think my chugging days are finally over, but never my love of St. Paddy's Day traditions.  Bring on the celtic music, corned beef, potatoes and brown bread... and a few beers!

Team Couple's

I have loved watching the cooking show 'Down Home With The Neely's'.  This couple is a great example of what a loving "team couple" looks like.  They absolutely adore each other, flirt with each other, and work together as a team.  This is the kind of couple that makes everyone want to throw-up, I know, but the difference here is that they have stood the test of time.  They've been married for fifteen years, but you would think that their relationship is still new.  My friends, this is hope!  It's possible!  They get along with each other's families, and share the same core values and goals.  Do they fight?  Of course they do, but clearly they have conflict-resolution in a healthy way, and keep on trucking.  You can see it in their faces, this is not just a content couple, they are joyous.  I'm sure the fabulous food that they cook together helps, but I'm sorry, you just can't fake joy.  Check out this two minute video of them in action if you can stand it:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvGs_cAlgJw

True Intimacy

They say, 'ask and you shall receive', and so I am.  I want a love that has true intimacy.  TRUE INTIMACY.  We all see couples everywhere, but who has true intimacy?  It's a rare and special thing.  A love that is exceptional and different from the others.  And quite frankly, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than live without it, in a relationship.  I touched it briefly once, and I want it again.  I want to get it right.  I want to be a team with my man.  I want to love and support him in all things, and he with me.  I want a love where we can depend on each other.  True Intimacy, where you can not only see your future in the other persons eyes, but have such a deep level of communication, acceptance, understanding that you know that they will forever be your best friend, and you know that you can count on them.  A best friend that you desire.  A best friend that wants you to be happy, with or without them.  That they love you for who you are, flaws, mistakes, moods and all, but they will never abandon you.  Never leave you in the dust, without knowing.  Never treat you as if you don't matter.  Okay universe, bring him to me!

Love Yourself

"It's A Hero Thing..."

Good bad boys are so much better than musicians.