My Prayer

More Comedy

More comedy, less drama!

Cruel

How could you call me up and be so cruel to me, when I adored you so much?

He said "you're not that special, you're not that girl".  What he meant was "you're not my ex, but I'm going to take my anger out on you, like you are her".

You lived in a world of bad boys, but you, my friend, couldn't hide your gentle soul.  Every memory I have of you, you were laughing and smiling.  We were all sun-kissed, beach vagabonds, carefree and wild, and you were one of our treasures at sea.  R.I.P. my friend, we will miss your warmth.

True Colors

 

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

— Maya Angelou

Fabulous

Be fabulous with me! 

Be enlightened with me...

and we shall take over the world!

(or at least this town)

Free To Be Me

As much as I welcome and adore being with a man that is in charge, I cannot feel smothered.  If my man looks at me from across the room when I'm all dolled up and socializing, and doesn't smile and come up to me with the confidence that he is the one that is going home with me, everything will start to dismantle.  If he tries to snuff out my creativity, my sense of fun and adventure, and general fabulousness, with jealousy and manipulation, it will soon be over.  The best relationships are the one's where we celebrate each other's individuality, not fear it.

The Best Advice

• Have enough maturity to have a mutual level of communication that consistently comes from a place of wanting to understand, not judge. 
• Ask a lot of questions, instead of assuming, and when asked, be honest. 
• Be respectful. 
• Be each other's best friend. 
• "When in doubt, exercise a lot and have as much sex as humanly possible!" (Steve Santagati)

Missing The Love

After the dust has settled - from your last relationship - and you're a free woman or man back out in the dating jungle [and it is a fkn jungle with a lot of ugly monkeys, snakes, and "prickly plants"], you may begin to miss your ex.  But what is it about your ex that you really miss, think about it, chances are they're your ex for some very good reasons.  Was he/ she really that hot?, were they really that good in bed, were they a loving responsible boyfriend/ girlfriend,  and was he /she attentive to your needs?  This question applies to both men and women. If he/ she  wasn't all these things - and more -then maybe what you're really missing isn't them at all, maybe you're really missing the love and being in love.

- Steve Santagati, http://askstevessantagati.typepad.com/ask_steve_santagati/

Fast And Rare Memories

When the chemistry is that good, that awesome, it is possible to make a million little memories in the span of a few weeks. 

My favorites are seeing him standing there inch by inch in my driveway, as the garage door was going up.  The morning we spent in bed and he laid his head on my tummy for what seemed like an hour.  The amazing, drunken kiss in my living room when he was leaving to take his best friend home.  The day we went riding and he tried to fix the helmet for me and then told me that he promised he would get one that worked for me, and he did.  The night we went out on the town, then went to my house and just laid in bed and he said 'I had sooo much fun tonight', and we both knew we were a force to be reckoned with.  When he called me to make sure my doors were locked before I went to bed.  The night at his house that we just talked and talked.  Every time we practiced living in the present together.  That was the night that I truly felt like I might be able to truly have my man know my soul, and me know his, and be my best friend in this crazy old world. 

There is so much more to do, to experience, to know, to feel.

Damn the gods for testing me, to see if I can learn patience and wisdom.  They never let up.  Damn them!

Painful Choices

I believe that true love is wanting for someone,

what they want for themselves.

Drama for Christmas

Last Christmas he had a gun to his head in my house, threatening to kill himself, if I broke up with him. 

I learned that love is dangerous.  I also learned that I should have paid more attention to the differences between the feelings we had for each other.  I should have realized that he was falling in love with me, and me... not so much.  I should have taken that more seriously. 

Ophelia

All I keep hearing in my head, like the crashing of waves, is what you said "If I leave you six months from now, you will survive, you'll be just fine". 

This must be what it feels like to be alone, in a cave by the cold ocean, where the sound is echoed and ampilified until the sounds of the water and the seabirds are all one monotonous, unbearable roar, and one prays for deafness. 

Talk of babies, and abandonment in one breath is too much.  But I'm glad for the truth.  Now I need a life raft before I go insane and drown, like Ophelia.

Who Matters

Best Friends

Brutal Honesty

He is so honest with me that he actually said "...that's the great thing about being with younger women; they haven't experienced anyone good in bed yet, so they think you're a god".  (It's a good thing I wasn't pms-ing!).  And I thought to myself, 'Yes, but if you can get a more experienced woman to think you're a god, then you really might be one'.  That's the difference between maturity and an ego trip.

Faith

Are the gods smiling upon me, or setting me up?

Destiny

I am not afraid to create my Queendom
 
- Jill Scott

Perfect

I asked him why his relationship with a girl that he obviously liked a lot, had ended, and he said "She said that I was too wild for her".  I looked down, smiled and thought, 'well that makes sense then

as to why you might be perfect for me'.

Second Chances

I believe that everyone deserves a second chance to make something right and do better in the future.  But as my momma says, 'you wrong me once, shame on you.  Wrong me again, shame on me'.  I can disappear like a theif in the night, when I want to.  I can have vengence, like Cleopatra over Marc Antony (above).   It would be hard on both of us, but I will never be disrespected by you.  I would rather die of heartache.

Toying With My Sanity

To open myself up again to love, with the kind of men that I'm attracted to,

is most certainly toying with my sanity.

Sandbagging The Heart

What do you do with someone who is scared to show you all of themselves, or all of their life, up front?  To wait until you are invested in them, and fall in love with them, before they will tell you the most difficult things to handle about themselves?  Is it any different than finding out at that inevitable six-month period of being with someone, who they really are underneath all of the pleasantries of infactuation?  I suppose it is that same thing, but magnified, if someone is hiding something that they think you will find so scary, that you'll run for the hills, unless you're in love with them.  But isn't that a selfish manipulation of the heart, and incredibly unfair and cruel to do to someone?  When, and if, is it or could it, be justified?

Just like a dish at my grandmother's house, that has been broken, and put back together with superglue, in my perversity, instead of treating it delicately, I feel the need to slam it against the wall and shatter it into a million pieces.  Such is my heart.

Danger

I am walking through tunnels and the red lights are flashing, the sirens are going off  'Danger - Danger - Do Not Enter', but I keep walking.  I push buttons to see what will happen.  I alertedly look behind me, I look around, but I keep moving forward into the unknown, and maybe into my death, but I push on.  Am I a Masochist, or am I an Adventurer?

Stronger Than Me

He is stronger than me, he can survive the curse of my father.

Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,
But that our soft conditions and our hearts
Should well agree with our external parts?

-Shakespeare's, Taming Of The Shrew

Better Women

"There is no friendship between two women, like the one who despise the same man".  

-Debbie Reynolds, years after Elizabeth Taylor had an affair with her husband, of whom, they both realized they were so much better without.

Boo Fucking Hoo

Oh great... another man's sob story to me about how miserable his marriage is and why his situation is different, and why I should go out with him because of it.  How many times do I have to hear this same line?  Listen up married men, I'm on to your shit now.  Go put your big boy pants on, and get a divorce like the rest of us!  It ain't my problem honey!

Taming Elizabeth

There are women, and then there are wildcat women.  Elizabeth Taylor was not only the media proclaimed, "most beautiful woman in the world", in her day, but also a dominant wildcat.  Today, she will tell you that of all of the men that she cared for, and married, there were only two men that were the loves of her life.  Mike Todd was the first. 

'...he was also a passionate lover, giving her the kind of powerful intimacy and connection that had been missing from her previous husbands.  When she wanted tenderness, he was gentle as a puppy in spite of his outward roughness.  But his gentleness was never, and could never, be mistaken for weakness.  "Mike was strong, which was very good for me," she once observed.  "I will get away with murder if I can.  I used to try, out of my perversity, sometimes to drive Mike mad.  I'd be late, deliberately just fiddle around and be late, and I loved it when he would lose his temper and dominate me.  I would start to purr because he had won".'  -Elizabeth, by J. Randy Taraborrelli.

Lucky Enough

Maybe it's time for me to stop thinking that there will be another man that will enter into my world, that will be The One.  I have been lucky enough to have loved several times in my life already, so maybe I'm done, and maybe that was it.  Maybe this is the last fairy tale, leaving me.

Realization

That night that we did X together, and you touched me until the sun came up, I ran to close all of the blinds and curtains because I didn't want the night to end. 

But now I know... we didn't touch each other's souls, did we?  We just touched each other's bodies and minds; or you touched me, on a physical level beyond what I had known before somehow, just by you being you, and it shackled me to you in the most unhealthy way.  And in realizing this, I finally realize that yes, there is something more for me out there to experience, and that something is having that physical connection, combined with a deeper intellectual and core value connection than you and I ever had.  So, now, I search for that, instead of searching for what I thought you and I didn't finish.  Amen.

A Smart Man

A guy friend of mine once told me that he wished that all girls would keep a "blog",

that way you would always know what they're thinking.

Things For Storage

Now that I'm over you, I can say this.  Before, I couldn't ever say anything directly about you on this blog because it was too near, too painful.  I could write about all the others, but not you.  But now, I'd just like to say that I will never listen to Mazzy Star or Candlebox ever again.  Those artists and the memories they helped create, have been put away in a box forever, along with all of the hotel keys and the concert tickets that I saved from our years together.

Pain In My Ass

When I said I was "missing you tonight", I meant that night... not all the nights. 

Otherwise, mostly: you're a pain in my ass.

You Erased Yourself

What you don't know is that when you took an axe to my sliding glass door, you instantly made it impossible for me to allow myself to ever miss you.  And that's really too bad.  All of those times we shared could have been sweet memories to look back upon, instead of seeing them as a big mistake.

You Linger On

Our nights together were always short, but rich.  There were candles, bourbon, wine, cool breezes, talking, talking, loving, and talking some more, then sound sleep and warmth. 

One night you kissed me, then rolled over on your side and said casually "I love you".  I think I sat straight up in bed, and said "What did you just say to me?".  You, knowing I would protest, said simply "You heard me". 

Your leather, my lace, and then the cold morning after, that tried to extinguish your warmth. 

How To Get Rid Of Me

The fastest way to get rid of me forever, is to judge me.

I Still Need You

An Elite Type Of Bad Boy

There is something about cowboys with money isn't there?  Or cowboys in search of money.  Even if it is fleeting money.  They are kind of like, the elite of Bad Boy's.  I mean, look at these two above, Wyatt and Doc Holiday from Tombstone.  They are as sexy as it gets.  The way they walk, the way they talk, the way they dress... as gentlemen prepared for war; not to mention that swagger... I want one. 

Hair Tonic

It's been a Cowboy summer, and I've discovered that hair tonic is sexy and needs to be brought back into fashion as soon as possible.

Predator & Prey

'Predator and Prey' Artwork by Aternox

The predator knows when to be still, and then exactly at what moment to strike.  The predator catches the prey, and yet sometimes, the prey still escapes.  What are the chances of that predator, catching that very same prey again?  I think when the predator finally catches what he's been hunting for a very long time, he won't let it go.  Not for anything in the world.

Welcome October...

The month of change.

Opportunities Of Love

The fleeting weeks of new love intoxication have to be special enough, and treasured enough, to carry you through the rest of the relationship; not thrown away, lost on logic and reason.  You cannot buy back a moment.  You cannot wish back a lost opportunity.

I played his game.  I made myself real for him.  Now, it's my turn, for him to become real for me, or to disappear, and not be The One. 

It's hard, but I've been trained like a soldier for these messes.  The pain of waiting on a man that is too hard on me, not giving the shelter of love, but still wanting him.  Wanting to be good, wanting to be enough... wanting him to be good and enough.  To be there... for me, as I want to be there for him.

All is not lost... I will wait for him to become real.    

Claiming The Queen

I want you to claim me.

I need you to wear me out, and still my mind. 

I need you to take from me, what I didn't know I had to give.

I need you to touch me, and want me, and worship and comsume me.

I want you to make me yours, and no one else's.

To be my King.

I need you to turn my body into a trembling mass of fluid and flesh.

I need you to draw out of me, my second, third and fourth wind of desire for you.

I need your strength.  I need your power.  I need to submit to you until I cannot see anyone but you,

until I cannot see at all... only feel.

Not Real

What do I have to do to make you real?

Good Lookin' Old Dudes

It is said that men age more gracefully than women, but from the looks of most of the guys my age now, you would think that they are the ones that gave birth to their kids.  But there are some men that just get better; not just better looking neccissarily, as they age, just... better.  They have a casualness about them that most younger men don't have.  They have a certain confidence, and eyes that sparkle with the wisdom of experiences that have molded them into something different, and more durable, without breaking them.  They know what they want, and combined with steadfast good looks like this, they can have it. 

Sam Elliot

Richard Gere

Robert Downy Jr.

Alec Baldwin

Gary Oldman

George Clooney

Harrison Ford

John Travolta

And here are some rockers that are still looking good.  I like to think they're not aging, but "curing", from all the alchohol.

Billy Idol

John Sykes

Blackie Lawless

(I just saw him in concert this year, he looked great)

And last, but not least, cheers to the old dude that I saw at a local watering hole a week ago, who was a lean 6'4" with a full head of longish, healthy gray hair, with that 'run your hands through it' style like Sam Elliot's.  He was leaning on the bar with a devil may care smirk, looking at me, drinking beer straight from a plastic pitcher with one hand. 

That was the first time I ever looked at an older man in real life and thought, 'damn, he's still hot somehow'.