I wake up several times in the night, with my finger throbbing from where he twisted my hand months ago. It's almost as if my body is giving me a nudge every day, saying 'Kelly, don't block it out, don't forget, don't let him do this to you again'. And my finger injury isn't even from one of the nights he attacked me, and really got to me, because I was in my truck and able to drive away.
He physically assaulted me when he was drunk, he assaulted me when he was sober. He assaulted me at night, he assaulted me in the middle of the day. He has threatened me, threatened to do "something" to my mother, threatened my life numerous times, like a child abuser that says "now, if you tell anyone, I will kill your parents", that's what it all reminds me of now. He has damaged my house, my truck, my body, but it's my mind that I'm trying to preserve. I won't let him have that. I won't let him manipulate my mind anymore into thinking that he'll get better, that he's not really an abuser, because he is and always will be. I keep saying, 'never forget Kelly, never let your guard down again'. A man that loves you does not threaten your life.
Even sadder than all of this, is that there are women out there that really believe that it's normal for a man to be violent with them, and treat them like property. And these women still chase after him! At least I wasn't the one doing the chasing in all of this, I have that much respect for myself!
Additionally, there are women, who accept the abuse, and then actually, shame other women for "making a big deal" out of being knocked around. What I want to know is how do they sleep at night? How sad for a woman that acts "catty", and puts down other women in her same situation, instead of empowering them. I believe in empowering other women! I believe in standing up for our rights, and not accepting abuse, whether it be verbal, emotional or physical. It is a good woman, who stands up for what is right, and has enough respect for herself to say "you will not treat me this way". It is that kind of woman that real men, good men, really want to be with anyway, I've found.
I kept telling myself the whole time, "We really do love each other. It might be bad for me, but it is certainly powerful." But once I learned that it a man cannot abuse you and love you at the same time, I was able to step away and say "No, you don't love me, you don't know what love is".