The world is full of bad kissers! Here are some that I have defined... unfortunately.
The Lizard Kisser – This is an epidemic. Believe me, I’ve kissed enough guys to know. Where is this coming from? How is the world did men all over come to decide that the way to kiss a woman is to purse your lips into a tight oval, open your mouth and proceed to stick out your tongue and waggle it back and forth into your dates mouth as quickly and hard as you can?! This is not only alarming, but I can assure you, soooo upsetting to the woman who actually decided she liked you enough by the end of the evening to kiss you, only to feel the huge disappointment of coming across, yet another, Lizard Kisser.
The Dishrag – This guy cannot figure it out, and when I say ‘it’, I mean, anything. He’s super hot and you are waiting, with bated breath for him to ask you out, giving him every clue and opening that he needs besides talking to him like a four year old and saying ‘now this is when you say…’. This guy is so hot that you decide, fine, you are going to be the one to ask HIM out. Okay, he says yes. Where to go, what to do… he has no clue. You decide everything, fine you are going to be in charge of the entire evening, the man has a few opinions as you talk to him during the course of the evening. Okay, that’s hopeful… I guess. You have hope because you really want him to win, you’re rooting for him! But this is the guy that describes himself as “laid back”. Yeah. Translation: he has the drive and wherewithal of Kevin Federline. Okay, maybe not even that much, at least Kevin got up and danced a jig every now and again. This guy is a hot sloth. So, in the spirit of wanting him to win, you think, well maybe he’ll be a nice, slow, teasing, sensual lover. So you kiss him. Nope. He kisses you like he was doing bong hits all night and ya know he didn’t cuz you’ve been with him all night and he hasn’t moved a muscle out of your sight. Sigh.
The Lizard Kisser – This is an epidemic. Believe me, I’ve kissed enough guys to know. Where is this coming from? How is the world did men all over come to decide that the way to kiss a woman is to purse your lips into a tight oval, open your mouth and proceed to stick out your tongue and waggle it back and forth into your dates mouth as quickly and hard as you can?! This is not only alarming, but I can assure you, soooo upsetting to the woman who actually decided she liked you enough by the end of the evening to kiss you, only to feel the huge disappointment of coming across, yet another, Lizard Kisser.
The Dishrag – This guy cannot figure it out, and when I say ‘it’, I mean, anything. He’s super hot and you are waiting, with bated breath for him to ask you out, giving him every clue and opening that he needs besides talking to him like a four year old and saying ‘now this is when you say…’. This guy is so hot that you decide, fine, you are going to be the one to ask HIM out. Okay, he says yes. Where to go, what to do… he has no clue. You decide everything, fine you are going to be in charge of the entire evening, the man has a few opinions as you talk to him during the course of the evening. Okay, that’s hopeful… I guess. You have hope because you really want him to win, you’re rooting for him! But this is the guy that describes himself as “laid back”. Yeah. Translation: he has the drive and wherewithal of Kevin Federline. Okay, maybe not even that much, at least Kevin got up and danced a jig every now and again. This guy is a hot sloth. So, in the spirit of wanting him to win, you think, well maybe he’ll be a nice, slow, teasing, sensual lover. So you kiss him. Nope. He kisses you like he was doing bong hits all night and ya know he didn’t cuz you’ve been with him all night and he hasn’t moved a muscle out of your sight. Sigh.
The Slobberer – Now hopefully when and if you encounter this guy and have the displeasure of kissing him, it will be at the very end of the night, because he will absolutely ruin your make-up. I mean from the bottom of your chin to your nostrils to each smile line side to side. Your face will be licked so clean of lipstick and foundation in all of the above areas, (and red and irritated from the licking if you are as unfortunately pale as I am) that your mouth area will look like an orangutan's’s ass. Ya know, like from the Discovery Channel, the monkey’s with the bare asses. Yeah. Needless to say this guy is unnecessarily salivating all over your personal space. After kissing The Slobberer, you will be left in the shock of his car wash tongue wondering if you accidentally closed your eyes and missed a huge dog coming up in between the both of you. Hey, at least he's enthusiastic.
The Cannibal - Do I need to explain this one? This man wants to eat you for dinner. Run!
The Jack Pot - Hallelujah! He does none of the above. He takes control, but is gentle and uses his lips instead of his teeth and as much saliva as he can muster up. This man understands that a woman is not his own personal envelope he's trying to lick and seal. This one is the keeper kisser.