One of my favorite poems by W.H. Auden goes
"The nightingales are sobbing in the orchard's of our mother's. And heart's that we broke, long ago, have long been breaking others"
Ah, heartache, I know you well. My heart has been broken so many times, I think that if I could see it, it probably looks like crackled glass. Why? I ask myself over and over. Why have I been attracted to emotionally unavailable men, that are so much like my father, when I know better. Isn't the realization of the problem supposed to be the catalyst of fixing it? Isn't realizing that the habits of our pasts, that haven't served us, supposed to spur us on to change? Is this Freudian fate, so ingrained in my psyche that even after knowing that it will hurt me, I still can't break the cycle? Like an addict that relapses, I find myself drawn to the ones that are a challenge. Even though I'm fully aware that these men will never, ever change, does my subconscious feed on that longing that maybe they will? So, I say to myself 'I will not do this anymore, I'm done with bad boys, I want to be attracted to the ones that are emotionally healthy'. So I give them a chance, at the risk of hurting them, because I want so much to break the cycle and to fall madly in love with one of the good ones. I fear breaking them though, so I tread very lightly. But no matter how lightly handled, the heart is a delicate thing when it's open.
But it's the only way to live life. To be open and to love and live with the risk.